Some disappointments

Early this week I was asking my colleague if I can put her name in my out of office notifications for assistance but she said no.

I was taken aback......felt a bit hurt and disappointed with her answer.

I asked the 'small one' and she gave me the same answer.....felt disappointed again.

Come to think of it, I had always acceded to their requests every now and then...and here they were telling me 'no' straight in my face.....both of them really 'singing in the same tune'.

???

Well, its ok....what goes round will come round (I heard someone said this phrase previously).

I think it will.

Actually I do not need to ask them,  I could be just like my bosses (they don't ask and just go ahead with it)- always put my name in their email notifications where I really may not be of much help ! I just accept it with 'no regrets'.

...........................................................................................................................................

This evening while having dinner with my mum and younger bro; my mum scooped some soup for my bro and asked me to help myself.

Felt a bit awkward or hurt (told myself not to be sensitive or angry - this is not the first time).

There was some mixed feelings when this thing happened but I try not to think so much.
Anyway my mum is already getting on with age and yet she still behaves like this.

When he's hungry she will cook instant noodles for him but when I was hungry I had to cook it myself.

My bro and me are already adults and here my mum is still showing her favouritism.

Good that I am independent ...no need to depend everything on my mum.

Yes, good !

Taken for granted

My so-called friend told me 2 weeks ago that she will have lunch with me after she is back from leave.

I think she forgotten when she returned from leave and didn't say anything to me.

Yesterday she wanted to have lunch with me but I already have a prior appointment.

I suggested the next day and she said will confirm with me again.

Today when I checked with her, she said will lunch with me this coming Friday.  I said OK.

Felt a bit depressed that we were unable to have lunch today.

After some thoughts, felt that she is not sincere enough.....felt like she just said for 'f'un' or rather just

敷衍了事.

I felt 'cheated'..I am looking forward towards the lunch catch-up but......siiiiiigh...

(actually I already trying not to think about this 'fallen' friendship but recently every now and then she will said something to me making my hopes 'high'.  Sometimes I  felt like I am a 'ball' and she just spin me (the ball) around using the tip of her index finger).

This afternoon was frustrated with my pc monitor giving me some 'headaches' again...lately it keeps causing some resolutions problems and I have to keep calling the IT guys.

Its a old monitor and my office or rather the person in charge is not going to change it !

After the problem was solved over the phone, I just don't feel like talking the whole afternoon when my other colleagues were happily talking away.  They did notice that I am moody.

I felt like banging table and chair.  Went to the toilet to 'scream it out'.

Nearing end of the work day, my colleague emailed me to say she will order a new monitor for me.

What ! for a moment it needs 'somebody' approval and another moment anyone can just approve it.

On the way home was thinking about the day's happenings.  I was frustrated not only because of the 'koyat' monitor but also of what my so-called friend had done to me.

All these 'pen-up' emotions and frustrations causing me to feeling moody the whole of the late afternoon.

Missing her ...

Somewhere in mid August, she asked me to lunch together for once. I agreed.

We didn't talked anything in specific.

The week after she asked me for lunch again and I had lunch with her.  One time only that week.

One week later, I asked her for lunch but she said her superior was giving them a lunch treat.
She suggested the next day but I have appointment and I said next week which is this week.

Met her this morning at common area and neither of us ask each other to go for lunch.

In the afternoon, met her again in public area and she asked what I ate for lunch.  I answered her question but did not ask her what she ate.

For the past week, I still feel emotional whenever I thought of our times together before we got 'drifted apart'.

I was feeling moody again.  Why I just can't get over her and kept thinking of how caring she had been to me during the period when I had undergone surgery.  Why the change now ?

I really don't know the reasons or am I being too dumb ?

If I had done something wrong to her, she would have told me off.

Is she sick of me already ?  or she has her 'difficulties' ?

What about the promises she said to me in the very beginning ?

Have she clean forgotten about it ?

I have put too much trust and affections in this friendship and in her and that's why now I am feeling 'very depressed' and disappointed in her.

Why is she giving me the cold shoulders and sometimes seemed to be  'half hot half cold'.  That's how I felt about her.

I don't think she has any personal problems or work problems and I 'caught' her talking happily with colleagues from other depts.

Its just me that she doesn't want to talk much to (that's my perceptions).

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

I have been wanting to buy small gifts for her for the past 2-3 weeks but I was worried she might reject it.

btw I bought Ricola sweets for her 2 weeks ago and she bought me a stalk of flower (cloth one) in return.

Today during lunch time, I bought some apples and 2 small packs of Ferrero Rocher to give to a few of my colleagues and I left one pack of Ferrero  on her desk.  She wasn't around but other colleagues were around. Not sure if she would ask them who left it on her desk.

Probably she would have thought someone else has bought it for her.  I don't think I am going to tell her unless she mentioned it.

I told myself I want to be happy even without her company but I just cannot 'put it down'.

I missed her you know (not sure if she feels the same) ?

Since things have come to such, I think it won't do me any good if I kept thinking of her and the past.

Its all over ? is it ?  Yes or maybe.

Pending thoughts

Three weeks have passed since the incident happened.

Whenever I think of her, I still feel a bit emotional.

Yes, I am a very emotional person...

I guess both of us still need a little more time to sort out our differences ?

Maybe I am the only one who thought so ?

Especially in the first 2 weeks, I felt so 'heart breaking'.

I know she has treated me very nice in the past.

Maybe she thinks that I didn't treat her good enough ?

Unlike her, I am not a vocal person.

Not sure if she has been thinking of me all this while, during this 'trial period' ?

I have been.....thinking of her every now and then during this "trial period'.

 I have prayed about our friendship and for her as well.

At this point of time, I am still feeling 可惜 to let go of this friendship but what can I do except to wait for a while more and see how.

I have told myself 'to move on and forget the past' but its not easy.

Disappointments

Lately my so-called friend keeps turning me down for lunching and gave me some valid excuses like today I no lunch with you or I am still full; you go ahead......

I am sick with all her excuses !

I felt deserted and was upset.......

In the very beginning she told me that she would lunch with me everyday and now maybe she is already getting 'sick' of me (my guess).

I am not sure if there is any misunderstanding between us and I was unable to recall anything which has caused her misunderstanding.

If there is one, she would be the first one to question me.

If she is moody, she can tell me so.

I felt so moody and down over her rejections and I kept thinking about this matter for a few days and few nights.

Why am I spending so much time mulling over this matter?

Its because I have treated her as a friend and have put in all my affections in this friendship.

I saw her yesterday at the office corridor and her facial expressions sort of look 'weird' to me.

I realised both of us have not been talking much for the past 1-2 weeks.

Maybe she finds me boring or maybe she is 'sick' of me or maybe she has her own reasons.
If so she should have told me and not kept me wandering what has went wrong.

A few times I felt like texting her to ask her why but I did not.  I thought I could just wait and see how.

I had been lunching with myself for about a year until the 2 of us started to lunch together more than a year ago.

Why she wants to give me hope and then now she is treating me like 'transparent'.

I am upset, frustrated and hurt you know my friend ??

:( :( :(

Return favour

Had been having my sensitive emotions again for the last 2 days or maybe including today.

Its hardly bearable....

I thought I became less sensitive nowadays compared to years ago but somehow it doesn't seemed so.

My BFF invited me to a resort stay in the neighbouring country which she got it 'complimentary' and I booked the ferry tickets for both of us.

It actually didn't strike me to return favour until her other friend (who also got the complimentary vouchers from her) invited both of us to dinner while we were at the resort; and I felt I had to do something but not sure what to do.

During the dinner conversations, my BFF 'teased' me in front of her other friend and family, and somehow she hinted about how ex is the resort stay if we had to pay for it and that really 'burned up' all my 'sensitive' neurons.  I just felt like leaving halfway through the dinner but in the end I managed to control my emotions and stayed till the end. and felt moody almost the whole night.
If she had not stopped rattling, I think I might have broke out in tears.

Maybe my 'sensitive emotions' is the culprit!

My BFF had been saying the same thing a few times - about how ex the resort stay is (the 1st time was when she asked me or invite me - I can't remember she said invite or to go with her).  It just that I had not been 'alert' enough.

I was so 'naive' **in the beginning that I didn't thought about doing something to return her 'generous' gesture thinking that since she got it FOC in the first place but later realised she may not think alike.

Someone ever told me:  Just trust your gut feelings - its usually is true.

When the 3 of us were around, she always talked to that common friend and somehow I felt 'left out'.

Anyway she knew her way before me and both of them clicked very well compared to me and BFF.

Maybe I was tired and moody and thus it sparked all the 'sensitive' neurons in my brain.
Huh ?  am I right ?

My response could be a bit slow, but it hit me just this afternoon (on the way home) what I should do - a return favour.

I suddenly remembered this phrase : "THERE IS NO FREE LUNCH IN THIS WORLD"! Be it from your family members or your friends.

Btw, I returned her 'the favour'  this late afternoon. I think she is happy.

I am glad that I had returned her the favour though at that point of time I was still emotional.

Yeah I don't like to 'owe' people too much.

Someone really spoil my day today

The 'leopard' irritated me this morning.

Another colleague has passed 'the leopard' a document to handle and it passed it to me and asked me to call the person to pick it up.

My blood 'boiled'.....making my bp shoots up I think.

I was so pissed off that I don't know what to say for a while.  After that I passed the doc back to it and said " if you can't do it, then you ask XXX to call the person". XXX refers to one of the bosses.

A short later, I walked out of the office to the loo.

After I came back, I checked my phone and the leopard has watsapp me to say "Sorry, I think I did something to make you angry".

I replied "ya so you know. You are forgiven. Don't make the same mistake again".

Not sure if the other colleague (the good friend) has hinted the leopard to say sorry.

The atmosphere was 'weird' the whole morning.  I still feel 'burning' inside myself and the leopard was quiet for quite a while.

Even after lunch time, I felt so moody.  I told myself this morning to forgive and forget just like God has forgiven me over time and time again.

After talking to 'Y', I felt better and realised that both parties are in the wrong.

The leopard has cheekily asked me to do the task and I responded in an angry tone.  I should have told it off in a firm tone.

Anyway I noticed that half the time the leopard respected the other colleague i.e. the good friend more than me.   SIGH....

Really spoil my day today ... Shuts .....

Feeling irritable

Me getting very irritable nowadays....

Just today, my mum has given me a lots 'headaches'.  I talked about this thing and she will answer me another thing.

This is not the first time she did that to me.  This has been going on like for a few months.  I think she has hearing problems. Really, and this can lead to lots of so-called misunderstandings.

When I came home at 5+pm, she was watching teochew opera on her mobile and she turned on the volume very loud.

Its very noisy and I wanted to rest but I can't tell her to shut it down.

I am feeling frustrating and irritable.

I have no choice but to close my bedroom door and turn on my radio.

At this point of time, how I wish I am not staying with my mum. Then I could be alone in the house and have freedom to do whatever I like; at least to have some peace when I am feeling tired and need to take a short rest or to sleep early without eating dinner !

With her around, there are lots of things which I am unable to do.  SIGH.

Sometimes I do envy my single friends who are staying alone. I think they really have lots of privacy to themselves.  So envy.