Reflections

Its Christmas time.  How time flies...

Remembered someone told me some months ago that she is not going to buy gifts for someone during this Christmas season.  I took her words for real because she has valid reasons for doing so.

Until yesterday, then I realised I was wrong...I simply believed her words for it and there she is -giving that someone a gift.  I was not angry but 'surprise' and felt that I just take people's words for granted. I just trust her too easily.  Felt like I am 'being conned' emotionally.

Human beings may change as and when they like it.  So what's something which she had said she would not be doing many months ago and now she is going back on her own words hmm.

Perhaps during these recent months, their friendship has 'increased' without my knowledge.  Well I also do not wish to interfere with others' affairs - what they want to do; what they want to say.

The lesson I have learnt:  Do not believe 100 percent in what people said (unless that person is v. close to you) - even so,  they can change their minds any time they want any time they like.

Do not be other people's  'victim' in any situation. Must be careful !

I just find that I am 'gullible' at most times - remembered someone told me that many years ago and she was the one who has made me 'gullible' to believe in everything she has done.  I was full of regrets after that ! I lost my trust in her anyway.

Life  is  SIMPLE,  its  just  not  easy.

After thoughts...

I have plenty of after thoughts, especially after an incident that happened today.

You know - those people around me (whether they are my siblings, in-laws, my relatives and even colleagues) are up to no good (do not mean that I am good enough) as I felt that they are always taking advantage of me - be it money be it favours or just some little help. After they have gotten their 'wants', they would treat me like invisible or just simply ignore my presence around them !

What do you think if it happens on you - you will be hopping mad; you will be angry or you will feel 'indignant' inside your heart and even regretted that you had helped them before - yah that's how I felt ! I don't think I am being petty or expect them to return me the favours I have done to them. I never ask anything from them except that they should be appreciative of what I have done for them and not forgotten about me when they are in 'good health'.

WHAT do these people take me for ? a 'goon-do' or just because I kept quiet then they start to so called 'bully me'.  Maybe to them, its no big deal but I am a emotional person and that may be the reason why I felt it that way.

Tell you what ... I am getting sick of these people - really sick and especially when these people happen to be your so called family members - you will feel hurt and upset. (You just have to let go if not how). They really cannot be depended upon when you need them need their help. Its best that you can just depend on yourself.

Yah, I have told myself many many times - to be positive - to 'close one eye' - just do not bother with what they do but I can't control my emotions.  SIGH..........

Now, I will side-track a bit :
I had a dream last night - guess what's is it ?  I dreamt that I am getting married to an aquaintance and the best part of it is that WE ARE SO MANY YEARS IN DIFFERENCE and in real life its really impossible that the 2 of us will be together.
Just wondering if this aquaintance has the same dream as me... HA HA.

Stressss

Of late, me is not feeling happy at work because of some work stress and also of  one person (enemy).

I have this one 'enemy' at work - it just irritates me whenever I hear its voice and it appearing in front of me. Not sure why am I like this ? I just felt that the 2 of us are always at 'loggerheads' (emotionally) - dun know how its feelings ?

Perhaps I am too sensitive to whatevever it does or says or acts.  I can't control it anyway - why made myself upset over it and it will take a few days for me to let go.  Am I still clinging to the old incident between us ? or because I felt being 'slammed' by its actions.

Ya, why should I bother about everything it does; why can't I make peace with itself or myself ?

..............sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

I have contemplated about resigning from work to avoid it - but am I silly just to resign to run away from it when it has no more concerns about me ?  and I will be sacrificing my current job for nothing.  I just feel that if, if I resign, I wouldn't be able to get the pay I get now from elsewhere - as I have been in this comfort zone for too long (I guess) - HOW ?

Yes, I can't - must not quit on IMPULSE as I need to 'put food on the table' for my family ! that's how !

Come on relax lah, ok ? Ya Yes Yes Yes YES !

My niece and her Grandma

I scolded my youngest niece (the most 'headache' one) again last evening - really cannot 'ta-han' her attitude.

Felt that she is just too lazy to study and do homework - always watch TV and playing.  She is v. stubborn too.

Well, after a 'hard lashing', I felt very 'hot' and when simmered down, I felt that I have been too harsh to her - a 8 yr old!  Really don't know what to do with her - doesn't want to do her homework but wants to play computer.  That's what puts me 'throwing the pan off'.

Then, there's my mum - sometimes also v. stubborn.  Sometimes I find that she is double-standard when she treats her D-I-Ls.  I have to 'close one eye' at times.  Not sure what's wrong with her, still cannot forgive the younger D-I-L ?  Its been so many years !!!  Still cannot let go. SIGH.

Just imagine a 70s+ grandma - still behave like a child - sometime so nice and sometime so petty and a little unreasonable.  Is that my mum ?  Cannot imagine her saying some 'crude' words behind her DIL's back =-0
Me - her child - also feel bad about what she said - how come she's like that ?
No matter what - I still feel that she is biased !  I would not like to judge her but can't help it..... I am just a human bean.

You know something - I had a bad dream about her last nite - vividly remembered the worst thing she could have done.  Goodness me, its just a dream !

I don't know why, why my family members are all one of many kinds.   Only if I could chose my family members ;-)  Am I selfish to say that ? or am I crazy ?

How nice it would be if everyone in my family can get along well with each other and have more bonding time together.  Wonder if any of my siblings or family members have ever come across this thought ?

Yea, THIS IS LIFE - its made up of many beautiful and ugly things, simple and complex things, happy and unhappy events and so on and so forth...............

At this point of time, I really envy one of my friends who is staying alone (her parents has passed on and she is single). Her living is so carefree - no one to stand in her way - she can sleep whole day for who cares or she could just travels as and when she is free.  Enough of saying - perhaps she is lonely - who knows ? right ?

Some 'feelings'

Some feelings (what's the appropriate phrase to use ? it just didn't popped up in my brain).

Have not been writing on my blog for about a month.

I was in hospital early this week for some health problems - at last it was 'settled' through minor surgery and the 'big stone' dropped off from my chest smoothly.  What a relief !  God has been kind very kind to me though I have not been doing my part well enough.  I also have this close friend in church who really encouraged and gave me emotional support when I needed it.
Praise The Lord !

On the night before I went to hospital, I was unhappy with my S-I-L who told my mum that she could fetch me but not long later she changed her mind and asked my bro to fetch me (as told by the helper).  Ya, I know, I am just the least important person in her life.  Her friends are her 'everything'. I asked myself - I have been treating quite well and she just can't do me this little favour (its my mum who asked her to fetch me to hospital). I am 'pissed' off - you know !
Well at least I know inside my heart who is good or bad to me - yes I knew it.

I personally do not like to owe people favours - hardly asked people (be it my family members, my friends, my colleagues) for favours.

I know - most of my family members are very 'xian shi'.  To put it in another way, most of the times they only call me when they need financial help from me - I am their 'gold mine'. I just can't get along with my siblings My siblings and I - we hardly talk, don't get along well so we are not that close - so sad, right ?  I only talked to my close friend when I am feeling down or I have problems but not to my siblings, but I do have one sister who treats me nicely. I appreciate her kindness. I really envy my friends who are very close with their siblings.  ENVY!!!

Sigh - I always like to use/say it when life sucks.  LIFE is short - must learn to make myself happy everyday and smile.

(Side-track a bit) I was quite excited this morning because I am going to meet my Sweet Angel in the afternoon.  Today we have some small talks. We get to know each other a little more. She is always so sweet and gentle - I am fond of her but she will never know about my feelings. I would not and dare not tell her. I would only keep it inside my heart.

No imaginations please !

The suck feeling

Sometimes I feel that I suck or other people think I suck.

(Yes, I am supposed to stay positive, be positive, be confident etc.)

Well, the incident happened yesterday made me felt that  I suck.  Firstly, I felt that my boss always treat my colleagues better than me. Whatever job he asked me to do; I will get it done as fast as I can and as best as I can; but I think he is still not pleased with me because he hardly smile at me though I noticed he is always smiling to the others (I meant my other colleagues). This has made me feel suck. Not sure if I am feeling sensitive towards his attitude. But one thing is for sure -  he treats 'that one colleague' better than me.  The 2 of them really clicked - 'mei ci do you shuo you xiao'. That made me felt like a stranger in their eyes !

Maybe I didn't look more pleasant or can sweet talk than my colleagues but still he shouldn't be treating me this way - I really felt suck inside my heart.  I am just my natural self  - no pretends no licking boots. Perhaps he wish me to do so but then the other people (colleagues) are not doing that either but they get better treatment from him than I do.

The second incident that happened yesterday was that the colleague whom I was close to has also made me feel suck.  She has come to know about so many things which happened to our colleague, in the office and yet she she didn't share it with me and that made feel so ignorant or so aloof.  I just felt that I always share with her whatever I know but felt that she takes me as a 'fool' or a person who has no feelings or DO I LOOK UNINTERESTED TO HER? I am so disappointed with what she has done to me though she may not realise that I am upset with it. I know I should not feel this way but I just couldn't help it.  Maybe I am just too sensitive.

Come-on man, forgive and forget ok ?   I cannot control what others do or say but I should be able to control my own emotions...

I shouldn't bother so much about what other people think of me or do to me as long as I am 'standing tall'; as long as I didn't do them wrong; right ?


RIGHT MAN ! Bingoooooo

Mixed feelings

Have been feeling stressed again this week over the event that will be going on tomorrow.

Not sure why I have so much mixed feelings - sometimes bad, sometimes so so, sometimes mixture of both and its none of 'good feelings'.  Sigh. Perhaps have thought too much.

Have some pain today.  You know I wish I were sick today.  I have my reasons of doing so. What a curse to put it on myself.

Just when I'M preparing to knock off from work this evening, my 'mah-fun' colleague passed me one part of her job to me; all because she is going on leave and the work is still 'hanging in the air'.
Very 'fun(2)' you know, it adds on to my already stressed brain. Why me ? her 'victim'.

Well, I should think positive.  Problem with me is that I am easily becoming pessimistic.

Guess me is the only one in office who is not having fun whereas the others are treating their work days like 'tian ta xia lai dan bei kai' - AKA 'ti da a pa'.

Hai............a BIG SIGH!

The past week....

Recently, hmm, for the past week, I have been very stressed at work.  How I wish that the week will 'fly' by and be gone !


Its because I have a few 'unhappy encounters' at work.  Actually at the end of the day, come to think of it; its nothing very serious though I have had a 'hard time' living through the week.


One of the 'encounters or rather incident' was that I have caused some misunderstanding between my boss and myself when I was the 'middle-man' and in the end I was being 'soft reprimanded' for being 'not thoughtful' enough by my boss.  


Well in a time like this, I could only keep quiet and not said anything when I felt I was 'yuan wan'. I know it the more I try to explain myself the more it would become 'messy'.  If, I meant if my colleague (the 'culprit') was more careful in the beginning of the 'episode' I would not have became her 'scape goat'. I was upset though.


I am not sure if she realised her 'unthoughtfulness' when my boss 'reprimanded' me when she was just around me.   Hope that she won't repeat the same mistake again, or rather landed me in another 'spot' when I am not alert enough.


Second thing, was also because of something she said to me that 'upset' me though. Think I was 'sensitive' at that time. She meant it no harm but I took it as 'personal' and it was just a small matter afterall. 


Actually all the above 'happenings' could be prevented if I am more alert and more confident of myself.

Come to think of it, I have lived through a few decades and yet sometimes I am so 'immature' in a way.

Yes, I could have done better and be best in all I do and not 'hovering over' all these 'small matters' in life. I should also not recall the unhappy incidents which happened to me in my workplace.

So what if I have felt hurt and inferior during these incidents.  Why should I felt hurt or moo moo when the boss wanted to be nice to my colleague and not me ?  Why I just can't take it 'easy'.
Its his decision who he wanted to be nice to.  I know I can't control what he wants to do and what to say.

Well, I just felt that I am being 'ill-treated'.  That's all.  I have done so much things for him and that's what I get in theeee end.  Just take it that he is being partial.  No need to be upset over these things when the 2 of them get along so well with me realising it too late !  SIGH.

Yes, the above incident was kind of 'shock' to me;  it was already unhappy incidents to me and why I still recall it and let it replay at the back of my brain.  Its damn sickening - you know ?

I have better things to do and why waste so much and effort on all these 'menial stuff' ?

Sure, I am not someone who could do 'small things'.  I should be able to do 'big projects' too.  Right, man. YOU are right !

I must be happy, be lovable, be wonderful no matter what, okay?  YES I will 'just do it'.

I must be nice to myself.  I must not allow myself to feel upset again when people treat me as invisible or whatever.  I must not allow it to happen again.  REMEMBER ok.

Bad habit

Of late, I am back to my 'bad habit' again. Every time when I am in this 'bad habit', I will tell myself again and again that this will be the last time and will not do it again but just cannot control myself and did it again and again just like a drug addict craving for his drugs.

Sometimes I would think of myself as a jerk, a bad jerk, a disgusting jerk who never keep his words especially in this case of 'bad habit'.

Whenever I am not in a good mood and feel stress out, I will do it for days and then stop and then do it again.  Well, I have never tell anyone about my 'bad habit'.  Anyway, its not a nice thing to tell.

I always feel regretted for what I have done but I have not changed so far; have not abandon this 'bad habit'.

I did it again today and hope today will be the real last time I do it and not anymore.

Wish I will be determined to do so, to stop this 'bad habit' from spreading. Must have self control though its easier said than done.

I wish myself success to kick away - to throw away this 'bad habit'.

Sigh....maybe I should say cheers ...

My Sweet Angel....

Having been thinking of my sweet angel of late...........well have managed to stop thinking of her for quite some time and thought that is the end of my day dreaming but it happens again.

I have a pending chance to meet her again in about a month's time.  Have been thinking whether to meet her or not. At first thought of abandoning the chance but later on told myself that I should take up this chance since I have been waiting a long time for this day to come - to see her again though the meeting may be a very brief one

Yes, I have been waiting for this 'meeting' for a 'long long time' and I should bravely go and face her (since I am thinking/dreaming of her day and night for a stretch of time).

I don't know why but I just can't stop thinking of her - every now and then especially when I feel lonely I will just do that (memorising her sweet voice with warmness though I can't really remember her looks - not sure why I just can't remember how she looks like).

I know its not good to have that kind of 'longing' but I just can't help it - I can't control my emotions.
I felt bad sometimes.

Going to the movie...

Brought my 2 nieces (age 8 and 10) to watch movie this afternoon.  It seemed the timing was not right - one of them is keen to go and the other don't feel like going. In the end, managed to bring them all out including their grandma and the helper.

After the show, we met up with our middle aged close relative and had some snacks together in a fast food chain.

After that, as we are doing window-shopping; my nieces, one after another hurried us to go home and they showed us their 'black face'.

Well, I didn't said much to them about their ill manner but inside my heart, I told myself : this may be the last time I brought them out. Today they have spoilt my mood and day. Here I am trying to treat them to a movie and this is what I got. I didn't enjoy myself afterall.

In future, I  better go for movie on my own - alone - can enjoy the show more.  Yes, I have tried it before about a year ago at my this age ! (Should have tried and done it many many years ago).

I found these 2 little rascals are getting rude and ruder not only to the helper, to their grandma and also to me.  Perhaps I guessed it got much to do with their upbringing; I guess their parents seldom teach them the way of life.  They were not at all home most of the time (out to work and sometimes stay out late) and left the kids with the helper ! (Sigh).

Admiring - false hope

Have not been writing on the blog for a few months.

Recently I have been admiring a 'young person' whom I wish that we could be friends.  I have been watching this person from a distance; can't help myself  to take a few good looks at and wished for the 'impossible' to happen.

I am thinking too full of myself that this person would be interested in me where there is at least more than a decade of age gap between us.  If this happened 10-20 years ago, I might have pluck up my courage to make the first move but not now....

Well I am day-dreaming; there are lots of younger and better looking people around and why would this person have chosen me (an older person).  I think my attraction for love have come a bit too late.  Well since I have chosen not to marry/be single decades ago; why I still hang on to some hope that maybe I would find my the other half somewhere  'magically'.

You know something ?  I regretted for not settling down when I was much younger and have had many choices then. (I have not tell anyone about it yet and do not think I will do it). Now whenever I see couples walking hand in hand; talking and looking at each other sweetly, I wish I am one of them.  Sigh...........isn't it too late to talk about this topic now.

PS: I have been thinking of the 'Sweet Angel' again lately (imagining her sweet and warm voice as I just couldn't remember her looks though I know she is pretty - at least in my heart) whenever I couldn't get to sleep and feeling lonely. Wondering how she is getting on...the last time I met her - she looked different from the first time we met.  The 'Sweet Angel' is also one of my disappointed admiration. I'd better stop thinking of her lest she found out; but it wouldn't happen as I will not be telling her of my 'feelings' and she would never know.

That's my life

Of late, I have been rather easily agitated, feeling frustrated and hot-temper.  Maybe its due to work stress - have been very busy over the past 2-3 months.  Maybe its due to family problems - not my direct problems though but I still feel stressed up and frustrated.

Sigh............

Like today and yesterday, because of something which my nieces have said and done and I don't like their kind of attitudes; I told them off.  I have said a lot of unpleasant things (they may not understand what I said because indirectly I am scolding their parents).  Veri bad of me, right ?
I can't believe myself - have told myself that I will not vent my anger on the wrong person but I still did.

Really regretted what I have done and said especially to my niece yesterday. Really. I have told myself before that I will not scream or shout at the children again but I did.  Why can't I be loving and gentle towards my family members - towards my nieces - afterall they are still young - they will not understand my feelings, my concerns for them (expressed in the negative way). 

Ya, must start to learn to be patient and loving towards them though they are naughty and playful at times.  Not only towards them but to extend it to all my other family members as well.

Well, sometimes I was thinking - maybe I should resign from my current job - then I will have less problems less stress.  But then again its not easy to find a 'good' job nowadays and the pay may not be as much as what I am having now since I have worked in this job for many years.
Just have to bear with it and it will pass.  Anyway I cannot afford to be jobless else no one is going to support me.  Maybe I should take 1-2 months leave to go on Sabbath.  

Again, I have a few health problems to be solved.  I think these are mostly due to STRESS just like what teacher B always say.

Yes, life is short - must take it one at a time - most important I should worry less and if possible not to worry as we do not know what will happen tomorrow - only God knows. Just take care of the things today will do. Must learn to relax when I supposed to relax (just like my colleagues - they are always making small talks, enjoying themselves away at work - like having no work to do).  You know I am jealous of them at times. 

Ok - tomorrow will be better ! YES ! Be happy, be loving, be gentle, be generous. ....and there's much more.

Dinner

Tonight we went out for family dinner.  Agreed to share cost between the 3 of us.

Have been calculative over a few dollars - I mean ME.  Don't understand why I did that infront of so many people. (I could have just forget about the few bucks). This is the first time I am so persistent over a few dollars just to be fair to everyone.  Why always let my bro keep the change 'so naturally'? He has done that before.  Maybe I just want to get 'revenge'.  Or maybe I am stressed up due to heavy workload today.

Well, well........its just a small matter afterall.  Why take it to heart.  Since I have done it I shouldn't have any regrets, right ?

Hmm just be natural ok ? and things will go on as normal.  Just treat what has happened a new experience.

Sigh, I have been overwhelmed with work today that I lost my 'cool' in office - banging the drawer, throw the keys into the box etc. Felt like a 'crazy woman' this morning.  After all these happenings, felt so embarassed - such a mature person and yet I behave like that.  No matter how I should not have lost my temper infront of my other colleagues.  What a shame. I haven't been a good witness for the Lord.  Felt so sorrie for Him and myself..........Yea I am not angry with my helper for taking mc but just feeling frustrated with the work and myself ! Not sure other people will get the wrong idea.
Anyway who cares ! Yes, that should be the way (I mean the phrase 'anyway who cares').

Be of good cheer - ME.

CNY (Chinese New Year)

Its Chinese New Year again !

I do not know why - but I just have no new year mood...............am I bored ? or am I pathetic ?
or am I old ? 

CNY to me is just another ordinary day except that we have more time to rest, to eat, to laze around the house.  At least for me, its like that.

Not like years ago, I would shop for new clothes, new shoes, new bag etc.........but now didn't even bother to prepare anything. Just let it be....

In fact, I don't feel happy at all during CNY but I didn't tell anyone.

Sidetrack a bit ----- have been thinking of my SA on and off recently......maybe I am stressed.....I would think of something nice to comfort myself and doing some 'silly things' to destress.

Sigh.......always wish I could know SA better and be with her .......wish that I could incidently be her grandma's god child or good friend.......SOME SILLY IMAGINATIONS ON MY PART.......(This is fiction, ok).

Have lots of 'personal backlogs' to clear......mostly brought forward from 2011.  Have to clear it within the next 1-2 months. Can't delay any longer.

No matter how, I must live well, keep well and stay well.

Blessings.

Family

Family: what is family ?

Family is all members of the house living under one roof; if living apart - should be contacting each other every now and then.  Should gather together for meal regularly.  Many many more ...............

Well my family - its small but then I feel that its not united. Each one has his or her own thinking own mindset hardly one time where everyone is unanimous.  Take the reunion dinner for example, usually my youngest sis-in-law will go back to the neighbour country about 1 week before the CNY and always ask for early reunion dinner from our family.  But my younger bro is always unable to meet it halfway. I find that he is just unacommodating.  Its just to get everyone to sit down and have a meal together - what is so difficult ? I don't understand. He always doesn't want to give in.

Though I am not the one asking for early reunion dinner but with this kind of answer I would feel disappointed. 

Like today, my mum asked my bro again to have early reunion dinner, he said the wife is unable to make it due to work .....  Yes, I know work is important but family should always comes first.  Sigh................

Perhaps it because the 2 bros are not close enough. In fact the three of us are not close. (Sigh).

As we start to age, our thinking will become more and more matured, more and more understanding, more and more regrets that there were so much things we didn't do or never think of doing it.  Isn't it a bit too late to realise all these facts of life ? maybe yes, maybe no. (For me, I felt that I haven't treated my late father good enough). I always wish time could be turned around; could go backwards and I should be able to do better than I had done it.

Well, we should all treasure our family members when they are near us when they are around !

'Pent-up' emotions...

Uhhhhhhh.............................

For the past week or so until today, always feel like 'screaming my head off'.  Really felt very frustrated - the more I think about it, running the scenarios inside my brain - I really feel like screaming my head off and wish I could do a bungy jump from the top of MBS down to the ground. That way, maybe all my pent-up emotions will be blown away.

Why am I in this 'mode' or rather this mood. Well the more I think about my lost privacy in this home this house, the more I felt 'short changed' by my bro.  I have slogged half of my life working hard, saving money, and at the end of the day managed to so-called owned a flat. Now, my bro and his family is staying in my house 'half free' and my flat is over-crowded overnight. 

I have no more a bedroom to myself (so miserable) and after sometime praying that they will move out soon. Yes, they did mention about moving out about a year ago (after staying for around one and half year) but then changed their mind and carrying on staying here. 

Nowadays whenever I thought about how in the past - I have a bedroom to myself and my mum also has a room to herself.  Life could be better for the both of us until they moved in and looked like 'shi lai ze bu ju'. The way I see my bro - hanging onto his 'unstable income n flexible' job - didn't bother much to look for part time jobs to contribute to the household expenses. Not sure what's his mindset. If he had 20 years ago - stick to a stable income job - by now he could have own a flat/house and feed his own family good enough. Have thought of telling him off but he's a big man now, old enough to be sensible. If, I say if I am strong enough - would have given him a good punch to wake him up to face the reality face the world.

Now whenever I came home from work, I will see the floor messy, the table messy, my bed messy (with all the washed clothes lying there) - really an 'eyesore'. Its been a long time (3 years) since I last saw my house spick and span.  Sigh.............when can this scene appears again...........when will all these people move out from my house for GOOD ???

Another thing, I dread to come home everytime after work.  Wish I have all the energy to work 24 hours without resting, sleeping, eating.  Yes, wish soooooooooooooo.

Well, its just the 3rd day of the New Year - wish my wish (the one that they will move out for good) will come true soon. (Not the wish that I could work 24 hrs).

Cheers, baby, no matter what or how, you (I) still need to face up to all happenings in the house, right ?

Be positive, be of good cheers, forget about all the unhappiness+ frustrations+emotionales+ (-)................................................................................................