Thoughts on Father's Day

I think I have not celebrated Father's Day before !  Sigh.

When my father was alive, I didn't treated him well. Why?

When we were young, my parents always quarreled over money...about my father bringing not enough money home to support the family.

He was doing odd job and he would spent what he earned after giving the family some money. My mother was also working to chip in for the monthly expenses.

I was frightened whenever my father shouted at my mum; banged the door and walked out of the house and then would returned home late and drunk some times.

I didn't liked him or rather didn't liked him to quarrel with my mum.

When we started to work; we (the 3 children) hardly gave him pocket money.

He would always asked my mum for money to buy some 'kichi kurat' things.

As years passed by till the day he was sick - he had stroke - only my mum and myself were with him most of the times.  That was the most tried times of our lives.  My mum was taking care of him with the help of a domestic helper. He always threw temper and was depressed. My 2 other brothers hardly came to see him though. He passed away 2 years after the stroke.

After he passed on, a lot of thoughts came to my mind.  Why didn't I treat him nicer when he was alive. Why I didn't thought of giving him pocket money though he didn't asked.  Why I never give him ang pow on his birthdays and on father's day and never even thought of it.  (My mum were given these 2 types of ang pows).

Its only after he passed away that I realised I could have treated him better. After all he was our 'elder'. Why am I so mean. Why I am so irresponsible so cold hearted.  Really regretted...always reprimand myself...its too late.. the person is already not around.  Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

The only thing I could do now is treat my mum and my siblings better to make up for what I didn't do for my father. I would not want to have any regrets again in future.

'So sad'

Of late, have felt that that someone is trying to avoid me. No matter what I said to her or asked her - she would gave me a negative response.

Not sure why she treated me like this.  What wrong have I done ?  Frankly speaking, I do not have...

Maybe she has mood changes - she is pregnant !

Ya,  I felt so bad - so bad about myself - you know ?  Always thinking that did I offend her 'unconsciously' by talking or by my attitude.  I know sometimes I am a bit 'moo-moo'; hanging a serious look but I am not unhappy or whatever.  I am just like that.

I am borne with a serious look or rather I always have this serious look.  I know some people (my relatives or my colleagues) treated me differently - they are always serious when talking to me but when they talked to others - they are laughing away.  (So Sadddddddddddd).

Why people are so double standard - when they faced a cheerful person they behaved cheerful and when they faced a serious person (like me) they behaved serious.  I thought they should behave cheerful all the way....???

Sigh, this is the real life.