Sensitive

Me - a very sensitive person.  Why I am not like that ?

Sensitive about things about people ..sometimes I hate myself for being like that.
Ya, shouldn't hate myself.

I just can't control my thinking or rather my sensitive emotions.  Things would be different if I am not a sensitive (I mean not too sensitve) being.

We usually have gifts exchange during Christmas time and I found out I got the least and smaller gifts than the others.  Why ?  Why must I focus on this ?  Isn't that coming out from my 'sensitivity'.  Sigh...

I felt pathetic and I thought I am a 'loser'.  So what ?

No point being pathetic or feeling 'short changed'.  This is life.  If people like you they will give you the nicest present.  Same go for me.  If I treat that person nicer, would buy him/her a better present.  Think its the same for everyone, maybe not.

I always told myself : do not compare with each other : REN BI REN QI SHI REN !
Ever heard of this Chinese proverb ?

I just can't stop myself from feeling sensitive to feeling 'oust out'. ????

Am I an easy target to be treated in this way ?

I always thought I am nice to everyone though I may not be nice to the one who 'ill treat' me.
There is one good example in my workplace.

When this colleague was new, let's call this colleague as 'Y'.
'Y' will always talk to me as though I am the only colleague there.  But things started to change when there are a few new colleagues in the office.  Within a short period, they have become 'good friends'; eating breakfast and lunch together.  It makes me want to 'puke' and before I know what happens next: 'Y' had somehow 'moved away' from my 'sight' and we were like 'strangers'  We now only talk about 'work'.  You know ' WORK' and nothing else.  It made me felt that I have been too kind to 'Y' in the past and now 'Y' has many 'good friends' around, I have been forgotten somehow.
Sad to say this and of course you know how I am feeling and there is also some mixture of 'sensitivty' in it. Otherwise I would not have thinking of this matter every now and then or when I am alone.

Enough talking of all these unhappy things.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BLESSED CHRISTIMAS to all who have read this blog.

Till then, stay well.  Me too.

'Xue Xiang Xue Chi'

The title is in hanyu pinyin. It means the more you think of it the more angry you become.

Why?  my SIL always side with her maid.  Of late, not sure if she knows that when she is not at home, the maid misbehaves.

She - very good life one (this is singlish).

Always have afternoon nap and yet complains very tired.  I am really sick of hearing her complaining.

She has nap and still feeling tired then how about me - I am tired too !

Since her trip back home, she has been using her mobile every now and then - daily - where got so much things to talk.  She has got a boy friend and she is married. Do not know why I must be disturbed by her such behaviour.  Its none of my business anyway so long she does not do harm to my family members and me.

Another thing, the way she cuts fruits and distribute if among the family members - see already also 'sian'.

She will give her mistress one big plate and my mum a small plate.  Furthermore my mum always will keep a few slices for her to eat.

When I saw this happening, I don't have 'mood' to eat the fruits. You know ?

Arrrh...........................................

Throw temper short while ago - who ? - that's Me.

Why - because not happy with my 9 yr old niece talking to me in a rude manner. Scolded her.
She is really 'a pain in the neck'.  Most of the times also rude to her grandma, sister and maid.
Feel like slapping her - too bad she is not my daughter. I can only say but cannot do.

Felt like I have loved her in vain. Always wanted to buy nice food for her and her sis but they just don't appreciate that you are nice to them. EFFORT WASTED.

If they are 'more kwai' I could have buy nice things or nice food for them everyday !

Of late, have not been happy at work (or rather with the people working there).  You know my workplace is becoming a 'pasar' (market in malay).

Sometimes I find these people - they are inconsiderate towards other people.  Maybe its my attitude problem.  Not sure if I have one !  The expert said have to change your attitude inorder to change others - ya its something like that.

I 'see them not smooth'. Perhaps I think too much into it. Hope it is so.

Don't know why I just can't keep my cool - always feel angry when I see the things I don't like the people I detest.  Not sure if this has something to do with my 'sickness' ?

I feel sorry towards my Father - I have not been a good witness to others.  HOw ?

Wanted to slap myself also. To wake up from thinking too much into the unnecessary, into the unhappy past....

S I G H .

Depression ?

Of late, I have been feeling unhappy and dejected. Felt the world around me at work is changing. Looks like everyone is changing. Not sure if I am too sensitive: seems like they are avoiding me or rather treat me as 'invisible'.  SIGH yah siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Well why yours sincerely is so bored - bored till people are 'running away' from me. Its the 100 per cent opposite of the 'Red Man'.  Everyone is 'buzzing around' the 'Red Man'.  Tell you what - sometimes I felt jealous of this 'Red Man' but sometimes things cannot be forced.  If people like you it means so and if they don't like you, it also means sooooooooooooooooo.

Sometimes wild thoughts began to rummage through my mind. I felt like 'screaming at these people'; and I also felt like changing job or rather to change office.

I am not sure if people see me as 'aloof' but I am not so.  Don't tell me its the Feng Shui of my office ?

Why some people are so realistic - they only talk to you when they need your help or when they are 'lonely'.  Why like that ???

Yah, I have come across such realistic people ! Believe me ! please.

Hot temper again...

I lectured my youngest niece again.  This is not the first time.

Ya, I think I do not like her attitude.  I have 'slashed' her a few times but she just doesn't change for the better.  I do not like her bad manners especially towards her granny, me and the domestic helper.

She is nice to me now and then angry with me for scolding her when she done something 'unpleasant' in my presence.  She can be good for a while and then some minor things happened and she will change her mood and became a 'wild goose'.

Sigh.  I know sometimes I took the opportunity to vent my anger my pent-up frustrations on her. Its unfair to her, this I know but I can't help it.  Am I a jerk ? sometimes I ask myself.

Well, after the shouting and yelling, I told myself that there won't be a next time.  But then again when she misbehave, I will 'scream' at her again and then the history repeats itself.

I told myself I do not want to waste any more energy on her time again and again but then, look what has happened today.

I also want to live well, stay well and keep well.

Hoping, really hoping today will be the last time to scold her, shout at her etc.

Min tian hui geng how.

'Breakdown'

Thought of the Moment: "We will always be exposed to people who purposefully or accidentally bring us down. (Ben Kim).

The above thought is what actually happened to me or rather what I thought people have always done it to me !

Just like today: I have a 'emotional breakdown' in the face of few of my family members.

I think I felt better after this 'breakdown'.  I would not like to elaborate on this 'breakdown'.

A lot of thoughts crossed my mind during and immediately after this 'breakdown' including suicide, yes, I meant a soft thought of suicide.  I am really afraid that I would lose control of myself. Isn't it SERIOUS.  With God's help I am able to sustain it after about a 15-min 'breakdown'. I slowly calm myself down. Thank God !

One of my siblings called me shortly after I have cooled down from this breakdown.  It made me feel that there are still people who care about me and thinking of me.  Though I did not tell her about my breakdown, I am thankful inside my heart that she had called me.

Perhaps recently (these few months) a lot of things have happened in my workplace.  Maybe I am sensitive, I just felt that my colleagues are ignoring me 'purposefully' or 'accidentally'.  They practically treated me as 'invisible'.  You know I hate it.  Why this had not happened to me ?

I am hurt over this. I had a hard time getting over it.  Perhaps I am not just sensitive but very sensitive.

I do not know why I have such feelings.  By right, I should not be feeling this way.  If they are treating me 'this way', the more I should counter-attack them by ignoring them (no see no hear). 

SIGH..

The 'breakdown' I had today was a mixed one - family and work related. I knew it myself. 

Wishing myself a good recovery from this breakdown.  I should not let this happen to me again. Never.  Have to learn to be strong and firm and brave whatever it takes. 

Right, man !

May God Bless all who are reading this blog.

'Hotel'

Sometimes I felt like my house is like a 'Hotel' - a free Hotel - people just come and go as and when they like.

Ya, they did tell us - not asking for permission but just informing us !

They are all irritating people.  Don't know what I have owed them or owe them.

They are all relatives of relatives. SIGH.
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An 'old' friend and some thoughts

Hey, have met-up with my BF today near my workplace. We had lunch together, eating noodles and had coffee and bun after that.  It was a nice catch-up.

Before meeting her, some wild thoughts ran through my mind as she sounded a bit 'anxious' over the phone.  Well after meeting her, my wild thoughts had vanished and were uncalled for.

Lately, I felt so lonesome at my workplace (felt like everyone else is ignoring ME).

There is this new staff who is friendly to everyone else except ....... (that's what I thought).
In the beginning we chit chatted occasionally but lately I just had a kind of 'wierd' feeling towards her.  Felt like she is 'cold' towards me.

Well I am wrong. I remembered now..........it happened one or two weeks ago when she called me and I 'snapped' at her. I actually meant it as a joke but it turned out differently.  I guessed she felt offended though she didn't show it but I could just felt that something is not right until short while I remembered the incident. (I am in the wrong - why so careless - forgot what I said to others).

Ya, I am forgetful and also emotional !

The thing I can't tolerate is that the workplace is becoming like a 'pasar' - you can see 2-4-5 people gathered together and chit-chat, the more they talked the louder it became.  I 'hate' noisiness and  am 'scared' of NOISE.  Have got to have lots of tolerance level.

Hopefully these people will be 'automatic' and behave themselves appropriately in the office and not turning the workplace into a market.

'Surprise'

All along I thought what I did (something quite routine) is very 'normal' until someone commented on it. Its just like 'slamming the door' at my face 'gentle-ly'.

Felt a bit uneasy and felt a bit bad - more to worries (I just like to worry to the least) :(

Perhaps that someone is 'getting sick' or maybe unhappy about what I did (which I thought was alright, ok, and it turned out that it wasn't so to this person).  Sigh...

Ya, will remember it.  From now on, will not involve this someone in such a 'routine' again and also   not to 'create unnecessary work'.

No matter what happens, I must have my own principles (to be firm and not rude) and not to be led by the 'nose'.

Come on - cheer up! Forget the 'moo-moo', the 'uneasy' feelings.  Life still has to carry on.

Come to think of it, it JUST A SMALL MATTER (to me but not to the other person).

No need to take it to heart (think I'm a bit sxxxxxxx).

Judge  l e s s ,   accept   m  o  r  e ...

Some thoughts...

I am not sure if the OL is really old or that's her character.

I just found out something this morning - to be honest its not only this morning that I realised this 'something' but I just 'de guo chei guo'. This morning she went to buy breakfast for her fave son and when she's back, I was walking towards the living hall and she immediately said she forgot to buy breakfast for me.  What a joke - its so ironical ! She knew I am at home this morning !
Anyway, I would not say anything if she just buys for him alone when I am only 'transparent' in her eyes.

Come on, this is not the first time she has treated me this way.

She is always like that - full of excuses (very 'lung' excuses) when she thought I would say something upon seeing her doing such things or when certain things happened.

Its okay lah.  NO big deal.  I am 'old' enough to take care of myself.  I have to take care of my own self.

Come to think of it, I have done so much for this family and this is the 'treatment' I received esp. from the OL.

I think I am not angry but just felt that I have been treating her too good all this while or rather all these years.  I cared for her, give her money, give her a 'roof over her head' and this is how she has treated me. She took it for granted and I took it as 'a must'.

To think that I am always the last in queue amongst her children.

From now on, I will take good care of myself - I must be firm, be steady, be brave, be healthy, be happy, and be what I should be.

Facing the dilemmas

Sigh, I am in facing the dilemmas..

My so-called close friend has been trying to help me finding solutions to my 'knotty' problems.  These solutions really caused me some 'headaches' and diving me into 'dilemmas'.  I do not wish to use her solutions (thought its too big a problem for me; in a way too 'hard' for me to do so).

I know I am the 'soft-hearted' person and just can't bring myself to do such things though its the very right thing to do .................but I just cannot bring myself to even say it out, I mean to tell the persons involved.  Am I too timid or what ? Scare ?.  Actually I am feeling bad even before I tell them about my solutions or rather throw back these 'knotty problems' at them.  Its a real 'sticky' knotty' problem. Somewhat feeling 'uneasy' to do so.....

Its very ironical:  in a way I have wanted to solve these 'knotty' problems and now my close friend (CF) has found the solutions for me and I am wishy-washy.

Ya, I am too undecisive when it comes to 'big circumstances'.

Other people can be mean to me; can treat me like 'transparent'; taking advantage of my 'meekness' and I didn't even breathe a word about it.  Come to think of it, am I naive ? or trying to act blur ? or I am just being too kind.

No matter how, I just wish that things would improve and turn out better for us - be it myself or the other party.  After all we areclose  relatives - I do not wish to be so 'ruthless' though to other people its getting my rights correct.

Now my worries is that my CF would be furious to know that I just leave things as it is. I do not know how to face my CF though I am thankful to her for trying to help me solve the problems.

A friend and me

Met up with RC during lunchtime.  She is going away for further studies - am happy for her in a way.  In my heart, I am wishing her all the best and be successful in her studies and future career.

She is a nice girl - easy going - in her early 20s' - quite mature for her age in the way she talks and carries herself - and  looks elegant at times (hmm hmm). Good in her PR too (that's what I feel).

Looking back at my own self when I was her age - what have I done ?  Regrettably - nothing much maybe nothing at all (sad right?). (Actually, its different era - think it cannot be compared).

Sigh.. you know (or rather I know) ..(my) life is full of regrets as at this moment.....

Now, back to current: I have not been feeling well for the past 2 weeks - didn't take MCs - struggling with my 'overflowing' workload.  Felt like 'collapsing' this afternoon - was feeling a bit unwell but continue to 'slog my head off'. Come to think of it; should have taken some MCs to rest (not sure why I am torturing myself like that). Well, this will get over soon.

Must really take care of myself - have always been telling myself.  Nobody will care about you - whether you are sick or what - (your colleagues won't be bother about it; your boss won't be bother about it. )(Put yourself before work but it always turn out the other way round).

Just hoping I could sleep well tonight and recover my health very soon.

'Boss' at home

I not only have a boss at work but also have a boss at home.

This person really doesn't know where she stands.  This person to me is an outsider but staying in my house.  I don't like it but it can't be helped.  I have my 'difficulties'.

This person always took herself as part of our family and likes to meddle in our home affairs be it as a family or individual. She even want to tell me what to do.  She is too much. What a 'pain in the neck'.

How can I be happy or feel free with such a person hovering around my house and around me.

Am just waiting for this person to disappear/ to leave my house.  Am waiting for that day to come soon !

'Work abuse'

Of late, I felt that I am being 'work abuse' by my bosses.  Right, there are nice bosses around but there are also the not so nice ones and the selfish ones.

Why do I say that ?  This is not the first time this kind of things happened to me.  I regret that I didn't stop it from happening in the beginning.  Yes, all because I am a 'yes' person - everything also yes, also can (without considering the pros and cons).

In the end, I just stressed up myself (well, I am a very easily 'stressed' person).

What this boss has asked me to do is an 'uneasy and unpleasant' task. It would be much easier if he could do it on his own but he has landed the 'job' on me.  I am in a 'complex' situation now.
SIGH !!!
(sorry I can't specify what 'task' is this because there might be people reading my blog and one of them could be my this boss and he would know its me)!

And then there is another boss who would ask me to do things not only for him but also for everyone else  - Sigh again but this task is considered easier than the earlier one though its cumbersome and time consuming.

Well, life is not to feel miserable anyway - that's what I read in Arvind's blog.

Must learn to be positive and optimistic - that's what I am lacking in - will bucked up ! YES Man !

Yes, tomorrow will be better :)

Difference in living

Today is the first day of New Year 2013.

Happy and Wonderful New Year ! (hopefully it will be).

I recalled some of my past year's experiences:

Ever since 'these people' moved into my house; I hardly had a day on my own (that means alone at home).  Even on weekends when I was not working and on public holidays when I were at home, it does not feel the same anymore (compared to when I was living with my parents and then alone on my own for a short period).

I have lost my privacy in the house - even when I was in my bedroom alone; 'people' just walked in and out of my room freely - yea, I should have set some house rules in the very beginning when 'these people' moved into my house. Though I am quite an 'easy' person; but still need my privacy. Thinking when AND WHEN  would I have my privacy back - that feelings really SUCKS.

Prayed that with the New Year, I would have more happiness, more braveness, more healthiness, more peacefulness, more cheerfulness to live my life...