Feeling of misgivings

I felt disappointed with my so called 'friend'.

She passed a 'special gift' to her so-called 'enemy' in the office with me around first thing in the morning yesterday.

I was caught by 'surprise'.  I felt like saying something to her "how come I don't have" but I  'swallowed' the words down my throat and kept quiet.

Lately this 'friend' has been treating this colleague nicely such that I am beginning to feel jealous of her or rather unhappy with this 'f'.

Well people in the office have been thinking we are close friends but she is treating others more nicely than me.

Yeah, she treated me nicely too but its not as nice as to the way she is treating 'e'.

What I hate (may the word 'hate' is too strong - I don't like to say it too) is that this 'f' told me previously that 'e' is so full of herself and she does not like her and now she is treating 'e' so nice.

This action of hers made me very pissed off.  Why she said one thing and then did another thing ?
Why?

This is the part that I don't like about her ('f'). I felt that she 出尔反尔！

I have been upset about this happening. Why I feel this way - am I really jealous of 'e' or angry with 'f' ?

For some moments, I felt like 'f' has cheated me.  All her negative opinions of 'e' which she told me was just a 'say say' only and I have taken it so 'seriously'.

I was upset over this incidence.  When I recalled about this incident today - I cried.  Why?

This is not the first time she is treating 'e' so nicely.

I think I am treating 'f' as a friend but how about her ???

Maybe I am expecting 'f' would treat me better since I am her 'friend' but who knows what she is thinking!

Now I am beginning to question myself : right in the beginning is she treating me as a friend or just a colleague though people thought we are 'good friends' ?

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

Before she came, I was living 'peacefully'.  Now somehow she has 'disrupted' my quiet life.

Well... come on please 不要想太多 ok ?

Life still has to go on...

Flare up

I am feeling moody today.

Told my lunch partner about it.

There are some happenings in the workplace after lunch time.

These happenings triggered my nerves and I flared up. 

I started to talk loudly and rudely...I knew that..all because of the new staff who does not how to 'kan yan she'.

She is always like this ... just talk whatever she wants without thinking about the consequences - even to me who is her superior.  Really she is 没大没小.

Most of the times I can 'tahan' her but not today when I am already in a foul mood.

I am very sensitive when I am moody.  So these happenings happened.

Yes, I flared up at her....the surrounding colleagues must have felt a 'shock' maybe.

This is the first time I threw hot temper in the office.

Come to think about it - its so embarassing for me!

I don't know how this girl feel ?  maybe also got a shock maybe 'tida apa' ?......

Misunderstanding ?

Felt quite upset this evening.

'My friend' just told me off about something which happened 3-4 weeks ago which I have totally forgotten about it.

She reminded me of this incident and chided me.

She was upset because I have made some 'not nice' remarks on her at that time.

I am upset now.

I told her she could have told me off there and then and not waited until now and told me off.

So she will keep things to herself and then 'explode' unexpectedly.

Thought she is a 'happy go lucky' person but actually she is not. 

Thought she is easy going also.

Looks like its no no.

We have known each other for more than 6 months now.

I think I don't understand her well enough.

She looks like so concerned about me and then she will tell me off when I am let off my guard.

If she is easy going she would not have kept quiiet in the beginning and then told me off 4 weeks later.

I don't like it. 

Honestly I completely forgotten about the earlier incident and she just brought it up 4 weeks later when I made the same remarks about her.

That is what she is upset about...

I am upset too.

Actually I was saying this remarks 'jokingly' and she took it so seriously as though want to 'eat' me up.

If if she had told me off the first time, this incident would not have happened today !

Sigh..the more I explained the more messy it became...

Yeah, the Guru said 'just let it go'.

Anyway have said sorry to her and she said will forgive me !  Like real.

Really don't know how long we can carry on our friendship if she behaves like this 'out of the blues' or when I accidentally 'step on her tail'  when I am not so 'seng mok'  ?

Ya, I don't have to put up with all these 'nonsense'.

Right just be natural..no acting...btw I don't like to act unlike someone who is a drama queen here.

Now I know...she can't take jokes .......it just doesn't 'look' like her anyway.

I can't take 'jokes' sometimes but I will just 'put up a brave front' occasionally.

Jus wondering if she is  a 'sensitive' person.

I am but I think I have become 'less sensitive' nowadays.

She may not know I am 'sensitive' or maybe she knew since she is a smart girl.

Or is she a 'laughing tiger'?  as she likes to laugh out loud. 

Maybe I should not thought of her as one.  Very bad huh ...'you' (that's me lah).

Okay...better stop adding fuel to fire....

Stop it now...forgive and forget and hopes she really forget about it.

Some thoughts

I found out that I am not so well like at my work place.

A sad thing to say though...

Maybe because I am not sociable, don't know how to 'curry favour' other people, 不会做人 ah.

I don't have friends in the work place - believe it or not !

The person whom I thought has treated me well actually also treated other people well too.

Sometimes I felt 'got cheated', sometimes jealous.

This person told me one thing and then did another thing.  Sometimes I just don't know whether to trust this person or not though sometimes I felt so uncertain.

Things do happen in the work place every now and then.

Is there something wrong with me - how come everyone else seems to get along well with everyone and all these people just shove me off naturally !

What have I done to them that I was being treated in this way.

Am I not 'good' enough ?

I didn't do anything wrong.  In fact, when these people skive off  during office hours, do personal things in office, I just close one eye.  I didn't report them to the 'authority'.

The best thing here is that they never get caught !

Sometimes I felt digusted with their kind of attitudes and behaviours at work but what can I do to them.

Even the person I worked closely with did not repsect me as much - that's how I feel about it.
Maybe I am wrong.  Its just that I am too sensitive about it. By nature I am sensitive.

I tried not to be sensitive but I can't help it.  I felt quite disturbed and hurt when this 'sensitive nature' worked up.  Sigh..

Attitude?

Just running through my past memories...feeling a bit emotional.

Thinking of how my SIL has told me she is grateful to me for helping her but then in real life what has she done to me?

She treated her friend better than me in the sense that she will drive them home most of the times when they visited her at home.

When my mum and I need a lift from her to the hospital - she said ok at first but within some minutes she changed her mind.

She got her 'good housekeeper' to tell us to take train to the hospital...

Come to think about it now, I should have go to her at that instance and tell her not to 'worry' about us and given her a piece of my mind.

I think all these happened because I was 'too nice'.

Is being too nice a platform for others to take more advantage of you?

These people always said one thing and do another thing.

I am getting used to it and also getting sick of it.

Have had enough of it.

I have this tour mate whom I find that she is self centred in a sense.

When a few of us are taking car, in the back seat she will never sit in the middle of 3 paxs as its the uncomfortable seat.

I think it should be right if we can be auto and take turns to rotate seats since we are taking the same car going around the town the whole day.

All these things happened because maybe I am not assertive enough and the other party is not auto enough.

Sigh..........

If time can be turned back

If - time can be turned back - I would do better than I did now....

I would have talked more to my family members, understand their needs and treated them nicer; and not to have so much regrets now for the things which I didn't do for them when they were around.

Its only after they are gone, that I realised that I have not treated them nicer when they were alive.

Perhaps at that time I was younger.  I was not sensible enough.  I was not matured then.  Did not see the big picture.

There were misunderstandings in between too.

If I had read more books then, have more friends then, things may turn out differently...and I will not have soooo much regrets !

When I see couples holding hands, holding their kids, kids kissing their parents - I really envied them - wished I am the one in the picture !

Wished I had gotten married and not staying single.

Maybe I was too choosy back then thinking I may get a better deal if I missed this one.

Maybe I really didn't get to meet the one I should.

If not, I would have kids, maybe big kids now and living a happily married life. Even if I ended up in divorce, at least I had gotten married, had honey-mooned, had sex, had baby and all other things which couples do together....

Should also have learnt driving, cycling and swimming when I was younger.

Well its still not late to learn driving, cycling and swimming now if I really wanted to.

Should also have job hopped when I was younger then and not stayed on one job for sooooo long.

I should have pursued my dream job when I first started out, but somehow due to no confidence, I gave up.

Well, most of the things whether I liked it or not, its being done. There is no turning back now..too late..

Sad to say but that's it. Why so much regrets ? 

That's my life.....

Grumpy, disappointed..

Think age is catching up.

Have been very grumpy lately.

Grumbled about my mother, my brother and so forth.

Sigh.......................................

Some of my friends thought I am a nice person...yeah I look like one but in actual fact, I am not.

Disappointed ?

Come to think of it - I am a selfish person !

Yes, I am quite generous towards my family - they want money from me, I give; they borrow money from me, I give, they did not return me the money - I never or hardly ask them for it.

Yet, sometimes they would tell others that I am stingy !

Of course, I am unhappy when I heard this !

If, if I am stingy - I would not have lend them the money or rather give them the money they need.

I think I am the only one in the family who have lent money to a few of my siblings.

They thought I am rich just because I am single.

I also need to survive - need to work need to eat need to pay rental, pay phone bills, need to buy things for myself and have to support my mother who stays with me !

Only now, after so many years, that I realised being nice or generous does not pay at all.

These people always take things for GRANTED.

'Someone'

Have been busy this week.

Have had a light day this afternoon at work though I made a small blunder at office.

I have unknowingly involved my 'enemy' until she came by and asked why I told XXX that she has the 'thing' XXX wanted.

I did answered her briefly and in not a confident tone.

She is a 'high handed' person.  Have experienced it a number of times.

Now, Ah B and she have became good friends.

Yah, times changed - people changed - Myself did not changed much.

I have been quite sensitive lately especially towards that 'someone'.

I don't know why ?

Whenever 'someone' talked to other people in the office - I became sensitive - I don't like it when 'someone' is friendly to others. Maybe I am jealous.  Maybe I am self centred ?

Yah, I must remember one thing:  'someone' does not belongs to me alone, right ?

Remembered that that 'someone' told me the few people 'it' does not like but then have treated them so nicely; nicer to them than to me sometimes.

??

Not sure if 'someone' is treating me sincerely  or  just thinking that I am 'naive' or I am a nerd.

Sigh....

I really do not know how to 'see' people !

Just recalled something

I am ironing my clothes and my mind ran into some past events.

Remembered about the domestic worker who stayed in our house for a period of time.

She looked nice at first. Good at talking and cooking.

There was one day the OL told me that she packed rice for 'someone' without asking. Its when she was asked why then she said she wanted to let this guy try her cooking!

She should have the courtesy to ask first before bringing our food to her so called friend/s.

Its more like she is the boss.

I was quite fed up with her when I was told about her attitude.

If she wants to cook for her friend she can jolly well use her own money to buy the food and cook for him. Then we will have no say.

The best thing is she even made use of her boss to do it for her!

Don't know what to say.

New Challenges

I am expecting some new challenges at work.

Have been a worry wart for the past few weeks.

Worried that I may not be able to cope with this new challenge.

To be more accurate, there is some reshuffling of duties at my workplace.

I would be expected to take up a bigger portion of work responsibilities due to these changes.

Just afraid/worried that I may not be able to handle this new 'challenge'.

Ya, I am always a 'worry wart' - just can't stop worrying though I know more than half the time the things you worried about will not happen 1

Come on, just face it whether I worried or not, or like it or not....

Yes, wishing myself all the best in whatever I do !

God is my present help ! Praise the Lord !

You are never alone. Trust Him to be an ever-present help.

And the Lord said, My Presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest. Exodus 33:14 (AMP)

Frustrations

Everytime I buy meals for the OL, she will say anything is fine. Sometimes I knew she does not like the food I bought by eating v slowly. If not she will make some comments.

If she prefers home cooked food, she can just cook for herself and not wait for me to buy food for her to her dislikes.

Just a while ago her married son called her to ask if she has food at home.  Its as though he does not know she has stopped cooking for some time already.

He worked late today...too tired to get food for himself.  Guess what..his mum readily went to buy dinner for him.

I really don't understand. Can't he just pack his own dinner on the way instead of bothering his mum? 

Poor me..I have to pack dinner for this OL almost everyday till I am almost 'drained out'.

Siiiiigh.

What to do: a 24 filial type of mother instead of the son. 😠

Mistakes

I find that if I made mistakes, I have had done it in a row.

Why people made mistakes? is it because of stress? or due to tiredness?

Well for me, its sometimes due to carelessness. Sometimes its stress.

I am scared after making mistakes. The thing is to correct things or make it straight.

I made mistakes in making wrong decisions.

Sigh....

Bad habits

I am having insomnia again.  Could'nt get to sleep and started to go back to my bad habits again.

Regretted having done that which I had controlled it for about 3 weeks.

Now have to start all over again to kick off this bad habit of mine..I know if I over do it, it may harass my health.

I will start this bad habit when I am stressed out and when I am moo moo.

Age is catching up. I better stop doing this once and forever.

Sigh.

Maybe I should not sigh but rather say "yes I can stop it".

Right?

Too Concerned

This OL is so concerned about her son not having meals to eat. Lately on weekends she will cook extra for him. Sigh.

Her this precious son is so 'un-human'. I hate to say it but I jus cannot don't do it.

Why I said that?  There was once when he was eating alone at the coffee shop nearby my block. I happened to buy dinner there for the OL. He was paying for his dinner and did not offer to pay for me or rather for his mum. Its just S$3 you know and he's so stinge.

I was a bit upset over this incident. I did'nt tell the OL then.

Now he is taking dinner at my house every weekend. I hate it.

Not sure how long this is going to take....

Precious...

Next time the OL do anything for her 'precious' sons; just leave it.  No need to be sensitive or jealous or feel eye sore.

Ok?  If I feel hurt she also won't know. If she knows she will pretend not to. Right or not.

I just feel that I have to do everything for her...and she will do anything for the 'PS'  but not me.

Why she doesn't want to stay with them then?

The PS will not let her stay in his house..I bet you.

??????????

Disturbed emotions

My SIL has put up some photos on her 'spare wall'. I glanced through all the photos - it were taken with her friends, some with her daughters and mum, her so-called beloved auntie, one with XXX.

I had some disturbed emotions upon seeing these photos - there is none shown taken with our family.
Perhaps she has none taken with us !

Can all these photos say something about her attitude towards the in-laws ?

I felt that my family esp. me have give and take towards her and her MIL too but does she remembers 'our goodness' or we as part of her family ?  Ya, its a question mark to me.

My family members are of less importance to her than her friends, her beloved auntie and XXX.

You know I felt 'kind of left out' not physically in the photos but in the mind of the beholder.

Come to think of it - we have never been close towards each other - sad to say its just 'superficial'  - that's how I look at it.  Maybe someone I knew can tell me its not true ?

I only can say that too much things have happened between us as a family - difference in our thinking etc.

Feeling 'listless'

Some weeks ago, I started to feel 'listless' and stressed out.

In my mind, I am always trying to go against my mum - I don't know why lately I have been like this.

I kept thinking of what she has been doing; how she has treated me; how she treated my siblings.

I find that whenever they are around; I would be neglected by her and I would feel a sense of anger and frustration and jealousy inside me.

Ya, its been many years ago since she started to show favouritism among us, the children.

Sometimes, at the dinner table, she will scoop soup for her favourite son but not me.  I do not remember once that she has scoop soup for me. I feel hurt inside my heart. Sigh !

To be honest, I have been treating her nicely and I think she has been taking me for granted.

I am not happy you know but what to do.

Just do not know why lately I have been thinking of all her 'shortcomings' and I just feel kind of - do not know how to describe my feelings; and just wondering how come she has to be my mum.

If I have been born to another family; my life may be different from now - it could be better - who knows ? or maybe worse ?

At this point, I always envy a few of my friends whose parents had already passed away some years ago and they are living on their own.  Just imagine how free they are - can do anything they like. Unlike me, I still have to 'report' to my mum at home whenever I go out.

Sometimes, after a hard day work, I do not feel like eating dinner. I just wish I could lie down on bed and rest; but with my mum around, I just couldn't have this 'simple pleasure'. No matter how exhausted I am, I have to eat dinner.....sigh.

How I wish I could move out and live on my own - I can afford it financially but as long as my mum is around, she will stay with me because she can't stay with her married sons and they do not want her to stay with them, and the fact that I am still single.

I think if I get married now, she will also 'stick' to me......

Just hoping that I will not feel 'miserable' with her around me.