Hectic life..

Have been very busy at work for the past few weeks till todate.

Still have an on-going project to be done by next Monday and other jobs to be done before end of next week.  Its very hectic indeed.  Have been working almost non-stop at work without 'proper rest'.

Looking forward to a short break after next week.

This morning when I woke up, I was feeling 'blues'. Just felt like scolding everybody in the house.  I did threw up some temper.  Just cannot control it.  Rest of the day was okay though felt a bit tired (maybe due to hectic weeks at work).

This afternoon, noticed my mum made 'funny face' at my SIL again.  Felt a bit uncomfortable.  Somehow told my mum off and carry on to lecture my brother behind his back (I know its not right).
How come my mum is still prejudiced against her since we have been staying under one roof for almost 3 years.  How come my mum still has not forgive her daughter in law over the past incident.
Why ?

Quite sad to see this happening between the 2 of them.  Sigh...  I only hope the best for everyone in this household.

I know I sometimes also made silly mistakes - like saying the wrong words at the wrong timing; vent my anger on the kids; jealous of other people.  Have been telling myself lately that I must be loving, forgiving and graceful and also patient.   But I kept forgetting and lose my cool. Anyway I have to keep on keeping on to learn and practice these virtues.

Good nite.

Saying 'No' and regrets

I find it difficult to say 'No' most of the times. I just feel bad if I want to say 'no' even to a stranger.

Well, just because I am unable to say 'no' today, I spent a 250 dollars to sign up for some massage package.  After I left the shop, I felt kind of uneasy and 'heartache' to part with my 250. I forgot that I only have a few hundred dollars in my spending budget and yet I went to pay 250 for this 'unnecessary package'.

Why can't I say 'no' to the sales person ?  Why I must oblige to her request to sign up the package when I know I would take ages to complete the whole course ?  Why is it so difficult to say 'no' - WHY ?

I really regretted what I did today.  I felt myself kind of like a fool.  How come I scolded myself fool ?
I also don't know.

Whenever I did something or bought something; somehow most of the times I will feel regrets ... not sure why I always regret after doing something or buying something when at first I didn't think of the consequences.

All these years, I have been having lots of regrets ....... of late I have been asking myself why I didn't do this why I didn't do that when I was younger or in my younger days.  If I have been doing this and doing that, I would have been leading a happy life -  perhaps so. 

How I wish time could travel backwards.  There would be lots of things which I think I could do them better if given a second chance.  Sigh....I just feel that I have missed out lots of 'good stuff' in the past which I didn't got hold of it when it passed by me - an example of it is 'getting married'.  I should have got myself married and have a taste of 'marriage life' instead of now always envying other couples.

Now I really find that life is short and I have wasted so much time during my younger days.  I better 'buck up' now and do what I like and love instead of regretting this and regretting that.  I think I must not spend too much time thinking whether I should do this or not.  Maybe should just go with my instinct - my first instinct on things which I need to make decision.

Some thoughts...

Heard from the maid that they won't be around at home this weekend and 'grandma' will be at home alone as I am also going for a short trip just before the weekend.

I didn't asked where they would be going but just found out from my niece that they are going to Sentosa to celebrate her mummy's birthday 'secretly' as from what the maid said 'grandma' will be alone at home.
Why 'grandma' is not invited ??

I felt kind of disappointed or to be more exact - hurt, on hearing this.  If by the time they didn't ask 'grandma' to go along then I felt that they are 'too much'.

Everytime they will say we are one family but then when there's outings or what, usually 'grandma' and me were left out.  At the very least, they should just ask us as a courtesy.  Really I felt that they are so selfish in a way.

Well, I shall not judge or criticise people especially my family members. But see how they are treating us when we are all staying under 'one roof'.  SIGH.

Maybe its still too early to judge as there are a few more days to go.  Well do not think so much and worry too much okay.  Actually I am a bit angry or something close to angry.  For what ?  with this kind of people - is it worth it ?

We have always treated them nicely and this is what we get.

Its always the thought that counts.  Right ?

Meet-up

Meet-up with my 'cousin' today after work.

We had dinner at AMK Hub.  She started to talk about some general happenings. Then she start to go into the agenda.

She asked me for a loan - a big sum of money (to help settle her hubby's debts). She said I am the other person whom she dare to borrow money from besides her older sister.  She mentioned that its actually her older sister who advised her to ask me for the loan saying that I might be able to help her.

I felt a mixture of feelings with question marks here and there.  I quite flatly said no but only can spare a lesser amount.  She said its not adequate to pay the debts and she has a tight dateline to meet.  If I could lend her this amount, she will pay me back by monthly instalments.  I felt a bit 'soft inside' but I insist that I could only loan her so much.  She really wish I could help her tide over this 'storm'.

I am not sure you know.  If I help her to settle this 'storm', I got a feeling that another 'storm' is going to appear though she said this is the last time.  I just feel that there is no ending.  Siiiiiiiiiiigh.

This is not the first time she borrows money from me.  I have been helping her whenever she asks me but the interval is getting closer and closer.  Looks like no ending.

Do not understand why she has landed into such a plight (I felt uneasy also hearing her plight) due to her husband's, her sons' and her own 'greed' or overspending. 

Well I felt sorry for her but I must not be emotional towards 'money problem' though can felt that she is very worried about the dateline. She said could have to go to Court if she can't settle the money by the dateline (that's what she told me).  Siiiiiiiiiiiigh again.

She made me fall into a dilemma ?

Missed calls

I have received missed calls this morning.  It was from my 'cousin'.

Each time she calls me, I will feel uneasy - uneasy that its not something good.

I did not return her calls as I was going to have a busy day at work - to finish work which my boss gave me last friday before I knocked off work.

Texted her that I would call her later.  I did during my lunchtime but she did not answer my call somehow.

Later in the afternoon, she texted me to ask if we could meet today or tomorrow after work.

I did not reply to her until about 2 hours ago, I tried to call her but no response from her.

Am worried about what agenda she has in meeting me.   Have called up her sister earlier to ask if she like to join our meeting but she declined.

I guess most probably its about money.  She is always short of money.  I just loaned her some money yesterday.  Not again that she is asking me for more money.  It made me very vexed to see her in such a plight.  We have helped her many a times but somehow she take for granted that we should help her.  I dont mind to help but she has to change her ways of living (suspicious that she is involved in big gambling or even borrowed money from loan sharks).  Sigh...

Just hope she would not be sinking deeper and deeper to the muddy soil of money debts.

Wish she could be honest to us and will learn to be good and keep moving out of the debts.

Good luck to me and her.