Bad days

The past few days at work had been my 'bad days'. Have been rushing through my work from morning to evening like 'robot'.  These were due to having 2 urgent projects on hand to be completed by 31 October.

During the first 2 days, I have been doing the projects single handedly as my helper was on sick leave.

She was helping me out with a few tasks when she came back to work. What a relief !
I really appreciated that she had at least been of some help to my projects.

Unfortunately, I made a so-called careless mistake and was reprimanded by one of the bosses yesterday just before I left the office.  He is a very particular person and I had somewhat messed up one of his tasks.  He was angry with me (of course) as he had long time ago told me his requirements.
I can said that the mistake occurred partly due to my tight deadline projects heavy and stressful workload for the past few days and partly due to my negligence. Somehow I had the hunch that something was going to go wrong at that time and I just ignored it and there it was.

There is no point to tell him all these and he would thought these were all excuses nothing but excuses from me.  SIGH...

I said sorry to him as I felt bad towards him, but he would be a nice guy if not for him being so particular with work.

To-night

Me having a heated 'fight' with the youngest niece.  Really cannot tolerate her 'wu fa wu tien' de attitude.

She just won't be the first one to stop...you said one word she will said ten words just to make you to carry on the bickerings.

I called her a little brat just now but guess what - she just doesn't understand the word.I do not know why I blurted this word !  Gosh !

Yah she is the one who 'bu ren shu' - always want to win everything except for her studies.

As for me, I thought I used or have said what I shouldn't have to her when 'fighting' with her.  Why I always threaten her with the words 'move out' as though she knows what to do next.  Just wondering ?

Maybe she knows or maybe she is scared ? will she ?  But something is for sure - I shouldn't have said those unpleasant words or poured out all 'my woos' on her.  Though she has a set of sharp teeths and sharp tongue; still she is just a kid.  Can she really understand all I have said ?  If she is really smart she might have.

I am really feeling so 'hot' and can feel my heartbeat is racing.

One stupid thing I did was pulling her hand and said 'come we go and die together' !!!!

Shit - how could such words come out from me from my mouth ???

No matter how naughty how mischievous how impolite she is - I shouldn't have blurted out all those mean things to her.  You know what ......I have not set a good example of my behaviour.  SIGH....

Well I better or rather I musssssssssssst keep my cool from now till they move out of this house ! Okay ?   That means I must be tolerant be patient since somehow I already have tolerated for 5 years and what is a few more months to go..................

Work work and work

Am overwhelmed with work since more than a week ago.

All the deadlines for important projects are close to each other. Don't know which one to tackle first as to me all are equally important.

It all happened just when my colleague started to go on long leave. Sigh.
The relief staff is quite inexperience and she couldn't help much. Worse still I need to guide her.

The 'best thing' is I am sick..have flu since last Saturday night till now. Wish I can take a few days MC to rest but felt that my so called circumstances just cannot allow me to afford it and I am unable to concentrate on my work !

Hope I can get all work done on time. My boss has threw the ball at me for me to 'catch it'  and score points for him ! Very stress you know especially when I am still not feeling well.

Wish I can catch up with my sleep tonight and then to catch up with work tomorrow morning.

Got to leave the blog for now. Ciao.

Freedom

Sigh.
I am sighing again - not sure if its a good sign or not ?

I just feel 'moo-moo' out of the blues...

Come to think about it - I do not have much freedom at home !

Why ? because I am not staying alone - I am living with my mom, my bro and his family members.

Even on my off days or weekends - there's always 2-3 people at home - I do not have my own privacy.  I can't do the things I like at home for example turning on the music loud to destress; eating some 'good stuff' alone.

I just can't do anything I like in the house.  That's it. At this point of time, I really envy a few of my friends who are living alone (they are single and their parents had passed on). They really have so much freedom but not sure if they feel 'lonely'.

My mom - she is very active at her age of 70+.  Just saw her climbing up a high chair to keep things in the kitchen top cabinet !  'So suc' huh.  Felt like telling her not to do that again but the words didn't pop out of my mouth. Jus worried if she falls - then how ? On second thought I better keep my mouth shut.  No matter what I said she wouldn't listen anyway. She is actually quite stubborn though other people known her to be a meek lady.

Sometimes I came back from work - very weary - don't feel like eating dinner - how I wish I could just drop myself on the bed and sleep through the night. With my mom around, I just can't do it - have to eat my dinner first no matter what.

Another thing, she likes to keep things - old stuff since many many years ago and new stuff - she just couldn't bear to use them after buying it.  Don't know keep for what.

I was thinking inside my heart - by the time she passed on - I would have many junks to clear.

Hmm I am not cursing her but I am just sick of all these junks in my house.  There are so many clutters around the house.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Too many 'debts' .....

Realised recently that I have had bought way too many insurance related products.  Not sure if its healthy to do so or not.  Have always acted on impulse whenever my agent/friend asked me to buy their products without thinking twice !.

The problem is I am 'getting on in age' and is quite stressful to have to keep maintaining and paying the premiums till the day I retire.  Sigh...........Sigh..............Sigh.

I have known some of my friends who did not even bought a single insurance at all and they are living happily - no stress you know. For most people out there, they would want some kind of security and I have way bought too many 'securities'.

One of my close friends have advised me a year or two ago not to buy any more insurance but I somehow 'forgotten' and bought 2 new ones after her advice.  See..my forgetfulness...or rather I am an easy 'prey' always falling to people's 'traps'.

I think the problem here is that I don't know how to say NO even when I am not so rich.

So in the end, I am the one who suffers...not anybody else.

Something said too fast

Shouldn't have said something which I had said too fast to the power puff girl.

It all started as the 'power puff girl' is asking about some work matters relating to SY and I told her that SY is off and will take a long time to answer text.  The power puff girl sounded a bit 'shocked' and said she could ask another person who knows about the stuff but she just doesn't feel like asking him.

Well hopefully the power puff girl would not go to SY or someone else and tell them what I told her. Actually I should not have told her that. What if she twisted the words ?  Then it may cause more misunderstanding between SY and me.

I do not know what's is SY thinking about me - as already she is acting so 'cold' towards me nowadays. It really makes me feel akward and 'nan soh' at times.

Hoping things will eventually turn out fine again between the 2 of us when time goes on.

Sigh.....

My friend...

My 'friend' is feeling very moody today.  She felt she is a loser in the world.  She feels so 'devastated' - she cried.  She just couldn't take it.

Those people around her are treating her badly - at least that's what she has been feeling.

She has no friend in the office - very lonely - a lone ranger....

Things weren't that bad a few years ago.

Heard that there is  a colleague who is so well liked by everyone in the office unlike her ! Sigh...

All the colleagues are like bees swarming around her.

My friend, she felt 'pitiful', inferior and very uncomfortable with all these happenings.

She wanted to overcome this kind of feeling but failed.  Felt like giving up...but no...should not give up because of these 'toxic' 'insensitive' people around her.

I just wish or hope she will feel better - be happy, be strong, be courageous, ignore all those people.

Yes, she is a very sensitive person..she tried not to but just can't help it.

Hope she will be better, be cheerful and be positive :):):) JIA YOU JIA YOU !

Thoughts on Father's Day

I think I have not celebrated Father's Day before !  Sigh.

When my father was alive, I didn't treated him well. Why?

When we were young, my parents always quarreled over money...about my father bringing not enough money home to support the family.

He was doing odd job and he would spent what he earned after giving the family some money. My mother was also working to chip in for the monthly expenses.

I was frightened whenever my father shouted at my mum; banged the door and walked out of the house and then would returned home late and drunk some times.

I didn't liked him or rather didn't liked him to quarrel with my mum.

When we started to work; we (the 3 children) hardly gave him pocket money.

He would always asked my mum for money to buy some 'kichi kurat' things.

As years passed by till the day he was sick - he had stroke - only my mum and myself were with him most of the times.  That was the most tried times of our lives.  My mum was taking care of him with the help of a domestic helper. He always threw temper and was depressed. My 2 other brothers hardly came to see him though. He passed away 2 years after the stroke.

After he passed on, a lot of thoughts came to my mind.  Why didn't I treat him nicer when he was alive. Why I didn't thought of giving him pocket money though he didn't asked.  Why I never give him ang pow on his birthdays and on father's day and never even thought of it.  (My mum were given these 2 types of ang pows).

Its only after he passed away that I realised I could have treated him better. After all he was our 'elder'. Why am I so mean. Why I am so irresponsible so cold hearted.  Really regretted...always reprimand myself...its too late.. the person is already not around.  Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

The only thing I could do now is treat my mum and my siblings better to make up for what I didn't do for my father. I would not want to have any regrets again in future.

'So sad'

Of late, have felt that that someone is trying to avoid me. No matter what I said to her or asked her - she would gave me a negative response.

Not sure why she treated me like this.  What wrong have I done ?  Frankly speaking, I do not have...

Maybe she has mood changes - she is pregnant !

Ya,  I felt so bad - so bad about myself - you know ?  Always thinking that did I offend her 'unconsciously' by talking or by my attitude.  I know sometimes I am a bit 'moo-moo'; hanging a serious look but I am not unhappy or whatever.  I am just like that.

I am borne with a serious look or rather I always have this serious look.  I know some people (my relatives or my colleagues) treated me differently - they are always serious when talking to me but when they talked to others - they are laughing away.  (So Sadddddddddddd).

Why people are so double standard - when they faced a cheerful person they behaved cheerful and when they faced a serious person (like me) they behaved serious.  I thought they should behave cheerful all the way....???

Sigh, this is the real life.

Have a big family gathering yesterday....lots of cookings, noises, laughter, fun, with some mixed feelings (for me).

As usual, my mum bought lots of food stuff (can last for a week's cooking)...

Some relatives have bought some cakes, puffs etc....all eaten up fast.

Me..just cannot accept the fact that the domestic helper is eating up all the good stuff..she said had mouth ulcer..got no appetite and yet can 'walled-up' all the good stuff as soon as she could.

This is the one helper who will help herself to eat first before others - 'never give chance'.

Am I petty ?  maybe no...she should have served the guests first rather than eating up all the 'good stuff' first !

I have saw before...when eating out at coffee shops or restaurants during some occasions...some families will eat first leaving the domestic helper(DH) to feed their kids and then the DH will eat what is left on the table...maybe not much left.

Yah, I have saw that scene with my own eyes a number of times.

To think that our house DH is a lucky one ...she can eat whatever she likes and whenever she wants...no restrictions for her by her employer...

Sigh,,,,what to do....that's what's happening around me.

Frustrations

I am overwhelmed with work this morning due to some deadlines to meet and also have had to clear other people's 'shits' in an urgent manner.

Why all these 'shits' ended up on my head ?  Very frustrating till I am cursing and swearing inside my heart and even throw things !

Why the so called 'partner' didn't come up with any suggestions for me until a while later.  If these things happen to the 'R.M', my 'partner' would be the 1st one to give solutions. There were some past examples.  Sometimes I felt jealous of this person.

Am I so irritating ? I really felt like I am left to 'zhi sheng zhi meh' in this working environment.

I have never felt so frustrated and 'helpless' and finally in the end this 'partner' has helped in a way to solve the 'critical' part of the problem. 

Sometimes or rather most of the times, it doesn't pay to be too niceeeeeeeeee.

Well, I don't know.  I am just a v. emotional person trying to calm my temper trying to tolerate this and that trying to be ignorant sometimes.

Come to think of it, I should have left this working place 12 years ago when I was offered another position in another work place.  Me at that time was so naive so 'loyal' as to stay put at this working environment where almost everyone else is 'skiving away from work' and behaves as though this is their great grandfathers' companies !

What a shame.  Why am I here in this low morale environment.

Today is the 'lashing out' of my pent-up frustrations at work.  I have had tears flowing out at that point of time.

And it was just last night that I told myself I have to be 'xing fu' but sometimes I just can't control my emotions.

(sidetrack a bit....I really missed my sweet angel..every time I passed by her workplace I felt like walking in but then I stopped on time. Even if I get to see her, what can I say to her ? I have stopped thinking of her until a few weeks ago when I felt 'so lost' I thought of her again).  I know I shouldn't do that, please.

Thoughts on Reunion Dinner

Just a few days away and it will be Reunion dinner day for most Chinese families (the eve of Chinese New Year).

Ours is no different.  Usually, hmm should say its always on the eve of CNY as my bro always insists on it though my mum has requested previously to do it 1-2 days earlier.  He just cannot agree to it.

To me, he is not a very traditional person. I always felt that he did it on purpose.  Ya, its bad of me to think it this way.

We have a sis in law who always need to go back to her hometown in our neighbouring country to visit her mum and relatives. She has asked to eat the Reunion dinner before she leaves but her requests had not been granted by this bro in law (my bro). Sigh.

To think that he is so 'old fashion' minded than my mum....OR IS JUST HIS STUBBORNNESS?

So we have have the so called Reunion dinner without her and her kids. Come on, bro, is this your so called Reunion Dinner without the other part of the family members?  I am pissed off.

Why can't he just give in for once and make everyone happy and make the Reunion dinner a real Reunion dinner !

Sometimes I felt bad about it. Felt sorry for my S I L. There are some traditions which our family does not follow but just this Reunion dinner which my bro is so particular about it. Why ? Why is it so difficult to gather all family members together to have this dinner  be it on the eve of CNY or on any other day ?

I don't think there is any difference as long as we live out the meaning of it, right ?

I know of some friends whose families have their Reunion dinner one week earlier.

You know nowadays this type of Reunion dinner is just another normal dinner for me ! Its meaningless at least to me. That is how I felt about it.
Sorry to say that, Mum.

Like for this year, its the same thing - everyone in the house has to 'listen to him' and the best thing is that he is not the one who contributed the most.