My niece and her Grandma

I scolded my youngest niece (the most 'headache' one) again last evening - really cannot 'ta-han' her attitude.

Felt that she is just too lazy to study and do homework - always watch TV and playing.  She is v. stubborn too.

Well, after a 'hard lashing', I felt very 'hot' and when simmered down, I felt that I have been too harsh to her - a 8 yr old!  Really don't know what to do with her - doesn't want to do her homework but wants to play computer.  That's what puts me 'throwing the pan off'.

Then, there's my mum - sometimes also v. stubborn.  Sometimes I find that she is double-standard when she treats her D-I-Ls.  I have to 'close one eye' at times.  Not sure what's wrong with her, still cannot forgive the younger D-I-L ?  Its been so many years !!!  Still cannot let go. SIGH.

Just imagine a 70s+ grandma - still behave like a child - sometime so nice and sometime so petty and a little unreasonable.  Is that my mum ?  Cannot imagine her saying some 'crude' words behind her DIL's back =-0
Me - her child - also feel bad about what she said - how come she's like that ?
No matter what - I still feel that she is biased !  I would not like to judge her but can't help it..... I am just a human bean.

You know something - I had a bad dream about her last nite - vividly remembered the worst thing she could have done.  Goodness me, its just a dream !

I don't know why, why my family members are all one of many kinds.   Only if I could chose my family members ;-)  Am I selfish to say that ? or am I crazy ?

How nice it would be if everyone in my family can get along well with each other and have more bonding time together.  Wonder if any of my siblings or family members have ever come across this thought ?

Yea, THIS IS LIFE - its made up of many beautiful and ugly things, simple and complex things, happy and unhappy events and so on and so forth...............

At this point of time, I really envy one of my friends who is staying alone (her parents has passed on and she is single). Her living is so carefree - no one to stand in her way - she can sleep whole day for who cares or she could just travels as and when she is free.  Enough of saying - perhaps she is lonely - who knows ? right ?

Some 'feelings'

Some feelings (what's the appropriate phrase to use ? it just didn't popped up in my brain).

Have not been writing on my blog for about a month.

I was in hospital early this week for some health problems - at last it was 'settled' through minor surgery and the 'big stone' dropped off from my chest smoothly.  What a relief !  God has been kind very kind to me though I have not been doing my part well enough.  I also have this close friend in church who really encouraged and gave me emotional support when I needed it.
Praise The Lord !

On the night before I went to hospital, I was unhappy with my S-I-L who told my mum that she could fetch me but not long later she changed her mind and asked my bro to fetch me (as told by the helper).  Ya, I know, I am just the least important person in her life.  Her friends are her 'everything'. I asked myself - I have been treating quite well and she just can't do me this little favour (its my mum who asked her to fetch me to hospital). I am 'pissed' off - you know !
Well at least I know inside my heart who is good or bad to me - yes I knew it.

I personally do not like to owe people favours - hardly asked people (be it my family members, my friends, my colleagues) for favours.

I know - most of my family members are very 'xian shi'.  To put it in another way, most of the times they only call me when they need financial help from me - I am their 'gold mine'. I just can't get along with my siblings My siblings and I - we hardly talk, don't get along well so we are not that close - so sad, right ?  I only talked to my close friend when I am feeling down or I have problems but not to my siblings, but I do have one sister who treats me nicely. I appreciate her kindness. I really envy my friends who are very close with their siblings.  ENVY!!!

Sigh - I always like to use/say it when life sucks.  LIFE is short - must learn to make myself happy everyday and smile.

(Side-track a bit) I was quite excited this morning because I am going to meet my Sweet Angel in the afternoon.  Today we have some small talks. We get to know each other a little more. She is always so sweet and gentle - I am fond of her but she will never know about my feelings. I would not and dare not tell her. I would only keep it inside my heart.

No imaginations please !

The suck feeling

Sometimes I feel that I suck or other people think I suck.

(Yes, I am supposed to stay positive, be positive, be confident etc.)

Well, the incident happened yesterday made me felt that  I suck.  Firstly, I felt that my boss always treat my colleagues better than me. Whatever job he asked me to do; I will get it done as fast as I can and as best as I can; but I think he is still not pleased with me because he hardly smile at me though I noticed he is always smiling to the others (I meant my other colleagues). This has made me feel suck. Not sure if I am feeling sensitive towards his attitude. But one thing is for sure -  he treats 'that one colleague' better than me.  The 2 of them really clicked - 'mei ci do you shuo you xiao'. That made me felt like a stranger in their eyes !

Maybe I didn't look more pleasant or can sweet talk than my colleagues but still he shouldn't be treating me this way - I really felt suck inside my heart.  I am just my natural self  - no pretends no licking boots. Perhaps he wish me to do so but then the other people (colleagues) are not doing that either but they get better treatment from him than I do.

The second incident that happened yesterday was that the colleague whom I was close to has also made me feel suck.  She has come to know about so many things which happened to our colleague, in the office and yet she she didn't share it with me and that made feel so ignorant or so aloof.  I just felt that I always share with her whatever I know but felt that she takes me as a 'fool' or a person who has no feelings or DO I LOOK UNINTERESTED TO HER? I am so disappointed with what she has done to me though she may not realise that I am upset with it. I know I should not feel this way but I just couldn't help it.  Maybe I am just too sensitive.

Come-on man, forgive and forget ok ?   I cannot control what others do or say but I should be able to control my own emotions...

I shouldn't bother so much about what other people think of me or do to me as long as I am 'standing tall'; as long as I didn't do them wrong; right ?


RIGHT MAN ! Bingoooooo

Mixed feelings

Have been feeling stressed again this week over the event that will be going on tomorrow.

Not sure why I have so much mixed feelings - sometimes bad, sometimes so so, sometimes mixture of both and its none of 'good feelings'.  Sigh. Perhaps have thought too much.

Have some pain today.  You know I wish I were sick today.  I have my reasons of doing so. What a curse to put it on myself.

Just when I'M preparing to knock off from work this evening, my 'mah-fun' colleague passed me one part of her job to me; all because she is going on leave and the work is still 'hanging in the air'.
Very 'fun(2)' you know, it adds on to my already stressed brain. Why me ? her 'victim'.

Well, I should think positive.  Problem with me is that I am easily becoming pessimistic.

Guess me is the only one in office who is not having fun whereas the others are treating their work days like 'tian ta xia lai dan bei kai' - AKA 'ti da a pa'.

Hai............a BIG SIGH!

The past week....

Recently, hmm, for the past week, I have been very stressed at work.  How I wish that the week will 'fly' by and be gone !


Its because I have a few 'unhappy encounters' at work.  Actually at the end of the day, come to think of it; its nothing very serious though I have had a 'hard time' living through the week.


One of the 'encounters or rather incident' was that I have caused some misunderstanding between my boss and myself when I was the 'middle-man' and in the end I was being 'soft reprimanded' for being 'not thoughtful' enough by my boss.  


Well in a time like this, I could only keep quiet and not said anything when I felt I was 'yuan wan'. I know it the more I try to explain myself the more it would become 'messy'.  If, I meant if my colleague (the 'culprit') was more careful in the beginning of the 'episode' I would not have became her 'scape goat'. I was upset though.


I am not sure if she realised her 'unthoughtfulness' when my boss 'reprimanded' me when she was just around me.   Hope that she won't repeat the same mistake again, or rather landed me in another 'spot' when I am not alert enough.


Second thing, was also because of something she said to me that 'upset' me though. Think I was 'sensitive' at that time. She meant it no harm but I took it as 'personal' and it was just a small matter afterall. 


Actually all the above 'happenings' could be prevented if I am more alert and more confident of myself.

Come to think of it, I have lived through a few decades and yet sometimes I am so 'immature' in a way.

Yes, I could have done better and be best in all I do and not 'hovering over' all these 'small matters' in life. I should also not recall the unhappy incidents which happened to me in my workplace.

So what if I have felt hurt and inferior during these incidents.  Why should I felt hurt or moo moo when the boss wanted to be nice to my colleague and not me ?  Why I just can't take it 'easy'.
Its his decision who he wanted to be nice to.  I know I can't control what he wants to do and what to say.

Well, I just felt that I am being 'ill-treated'.  That's all.  I have done so much things for him and that's what I get in theeee end.  Just take it that he is being partial.  No need to be upset over these things when the 2 of them get along so well with me realising it too late !  SIGH.

Yes, the above incident was kind of 'shock' to me;  it was already unhappy incidents to me and why I still recall it and let it replay at the back of my brain.  Its damn sickening - you know ?

I have better things to do and why waste so much and effort on all these 'menial stuff' ?

Sure, I am not someone who could do 'small things'.  I should be able to do 'big projects' too.  Right, man. YOU are right !

I must be happy, be lovable, be wonderful no matter what, okay?  YES I will 'just do it'.

I must be nice to myself.  I must not allow myself to feel upset again when people treat me as invisible or whatever.  I must not allow it to happen again.  REMEMBER ok.

Bad habit

Of late, I am back to my 'bad habit' again. Every time when I am in this 'bad habit', I will tell myself again and again that this will be the last time and will not do it again but just cannot control myself and did it again and again just like a drug addict craving for his drugs.

Sometimes I would think of myself as a jerk, a bad jerk, a disgusting jerk who never keep his words especially in this case of 'bad habit'.

Whenever I am not in a good mood and feel stress out, I will do it for days and then stop and then do it again.  Well, I have never tell anyone about my 'bad habit'.  Anyway, its not a nice thing to tell.

I always feel regretted for what I have done but I have not changed so far; have not abandon this 'bad habit'.

I did it again today and hope today will be the real last time I do it and not anymore.

Wish I will be determined to do so, to stop this 'bad habit' from spreading. Must have self control though its easier said than done.

I wish myself success to kick away - to throw away this 'bad habit'.

Sigh....maybe I should say cheers ...

My Sweet Angel....

Having been thinking of my sweet angel of late...........well have managed to stop thinking of her for quite some time and thought that is the end of my day dreaming but it happens again.

I have a pending chance to meet her again in about a month's time.  Have been thinking whether to meet her or not. At first thought of abandoning the chance but later on told myself that I should take up this chance since I have been waiting a long time for this day to come - to see her again though the meeting may be a very brief one

Yes, I have been waiting for this 'meeting' for a 'long long time' and I should bravely go and face her (since I am thinking/dreaming of her day and night for a stretch of time).

I don't know why but I just can't stop thinking of her - every now and then especially when I feel lonely I will just do that (memorising her sweet voice with warmness though I can't really remember her looks - not sure why I just can't remember how she looks like).

I know its not good to have that kind of 'longing' but I just can't help it - I can't control my emotions.
I felt bad sometimes.