Mixed feelings

Have been feeling stressed again this week over the event that will be going on tomorrow.

Not sure why I have so much mixed feelings - sometimes bad, sometimes so so, sometimes mixture of both and its none of 'good feelings'.  Sigh. Perhaps have thought too much.

Have some pain today.  You know I wish I were sick today.  I have my reasons of doing so. What a curse to put it on myself.

Just when I'M preparing to knock off from work this evening, my 'mah-fun' colleague passed me one part of her job to me; all because she is going on leave and the work is still 'hanging in the air'.
Very 'fun(2)' you know, it adds on to my already stressed brain. Why me ? her 'victim'.

Well, I should think positive.  Problem with me is that I am easily becoming pessimistic.

Guess me is the only one in office who is not having fun whereas the others are treating their work days like 'tian ta xia lai dan bei kai' - AKA 'ti da a pa'.

Hai............a BIG SIGH!

The past week....

Recently, hmm, for the past week, I have been very stressed at work.  How I wish that the week will 'fly' by and be gone !


Its because I have a few 'unhappy encounters' at work.  Actually at the end of the day, come to think of it; its nothing very serious though I have had a 'hard time' living through the week.


One of the 'encounters or rather incident' was that I have caused some misunderstanding between my boss and myself when I was the 'middle-man' and in the end I was being 'soft reprimanded' for being 'not thoughtful' enough by my boss.  


Well in a time like this, I could only keep quiet and not said anything when I felt I was 'yuan wan'. I know it the more I try to explain myself the more it would become 'messy'.  If, I meant if my colleague (the 'culprit') was more careful in the beginning of the 'episode' I would not have became her 'scape goat'. I was upset though.


I am not sure if she realised her 'unthoughtfulness' when my boss 'reprimanded' me when she was just around me.   Hope that she won't repeat the same mistake again, or rather landed me in another 'spot' when I am not alert enough.


Second thing, was also because of something she said to me that 'upset' me though. Think I was 'sensitive' at that time. She meant it no harm but I took it as 'personal' and it was just a small matter afterall. 


Actually all the above 'happenings' could be prevented if I am more alert and more confident of myself.

Come to think of it, I have lived through a few decades and yet sometimes I am so 'immature' in a way.

Yes, I could have done better and be best in all I do and not 'hovering over' all these 'small matters' in life. I should also not recall the unhappy incidents which happened to me in my workplace.

So what if I have felt hurt and inferior during these incidents.  Why should I felt hurt or moo moo when the boss wanted to be nice to my colleague and not me ?  Why I just can't take it 'easy'.
Its his decision who he wanted to be nice to.  I know I can't control what he wants to do and what to say.

Well, I just felt that I am being 'ill-treated'.  That's all.  I have done so much things for him and that's what I get in theeee end.  Just take it that he is being partial.  No need to be upset over these things when the 2 of them get along so well with me realising it too late !  SIGH.

Yes, the above incident was kind of 'shock' to me;  it was already unhappy incidents to me and why I still recall it and let it replay at the back of my brain.  Its damn sickening - you know ?

I have better things to do and why waste so much and effort on all these 'menial stuff' ?

Sure, I am not someone who could do 'small things'.  I should be able to do 'big projects' too.  Right, man. YOU are right !

I must be happy, be lovable, be wonderful no matter what, okay?  YES I will 'just do it'.

I must be nice to myself.  I must not allow myself to feel upset again when people treat me as invisible or whatever.  I must not allow it to happen again.  REMEMBER ok.

Bad habit

Of late, I am back to my 'bad habit' again. Every time when I am in this 'bad habit', I will tell myself again and again that this will be the last time and will not do it again but just cannot control myself and did it again and again just like a drug addict craving for his drugs.

Sometimes I would think of myself as a jerk, a bad jerk, a disgusting jerk who never keep his words especially in this case of 'bad habit'.

Whenever I am not in a good mood and feel stress out, I will do it for days and then stop and then do it again.  Well, I have never tell anyone about my 'bad habit'.  Anyway, its not a nice thing to tell.

I always feel regretted for what I have done but I have not changed so far; have not abandon this 'bad habit'.

I did it again today and hope today will be the real last time I do it and not anymore.

Wish I will be determined to do so, to stop this 'bad habit' from spreading. Must have self control though its easier said than done.

I wish myself success to kick away - to throw away this 'bad habit'.

Sigh....maybe I should say cheers ...

My Sweet Angel....

Having been thinking of my sweet angel of late...........well have managed to stop thinking of her for quite some time and thought that is the end of my day dreaming but it happens again.

I have a pending chance to meet her again in about a month's time.  Have been thinking whether to meet her or not. At first thought of abandoning the chance but later on told myself that I should take up this chance since I have been waiting a long time for this day to come - to see her again though the meeting may be a very brief one

Yes, I have been waiting for this 'meeting' for a 'long long time' and I should bravely go and face her (since I am thinking/dreaming of her day and night for a stretch of time).

I don't know why but I just can't stop thinking of her - every now and then especially when I feel lonely I will just do that (memorising her sweet voice with warmness though I can't really remember her looks - not sure why I just can't remember how she looks like).

I know its not good to have that kind of 'longing' but I just can't help it - I can't control my emotions.
I felt bad sometimes.

Going to the movie...

Brought my 2 nieces (age 8 and 10) to watch movie this afternoon.  It seemed the timing was not right - one of them is keen to go and the other don't feel like going. In the end, managed to bring them all out including their grandma and the helper.

After the show, we met up with our middle aged close relative and had some snacks together in a fast food chain.

After that, as we are doing window-shopping; my nieces, one after another hurried us to go home and they showed us their 'black face'.

Well, I didn't said much to them about their ill manner but inside my heart, I told myself : this may be the last time I brought them out. Today they have spoilt my mood and day. Here I am trying to treat them to a movie and this is what I got. I didn't enjoy myself afterall.

In future, I  better go for movie on my own - alone - can enjoy the show more.  Yes, I have tried it before about a year ago at my this age ! (Should have tried and done it many many years ago).

I found these 2 little rascals are getting rude and ruder not only to the helper, to their grandma and also to me.  Perhaps I guessed it got much to do with their upbringing; I guess their parents seldom teach them the way of life.  They were not at all home most of the time (out to work and sometimes stay out late) and left the kids with the helper ! (Sigh).

Admiring - false hope

Have not been writing on the blog for a few months.

Recently I have been admiring a 'young person' whom I wish that we could be friends.  I have been watching this person from a distance; can't help myself  to take a few good looks at and wished for the 'impossible' to happen.

I am thinking too full of myself that this person would be interested in me where there is at least more than a decade of age gap between us.  If this happened 10-20 years ago, I might have pluck up my courage to make the first move but not now....

Well I am day-dreaming; there are lots of younger and better looking people around and why would this person have chosen me (an older person).  I think my attraction for love have come a bit too late.  Well since I have chosen not to marry/be single decades ago; why I still hang on to some hope that maybe I would find my the other half somewhere  'magically'.

You know something ?  I regretted for not settling down when I was much younger and have had many choices then. (I have not tell anyone about it yet and do not think I will do it). Now whenever I see couples walking hand in hand; talking and looking at each other sweetly, I wish I am one of them.  Sigh...........isn't it too late to talk about this topic now.

PS: I have been thinking of the 'Sweet Angel' again lately (imagining her sweet and warm voice as I just couldn't remember her looks though I know she is pretty - at least in my heart) whenever I couldn't get to sleep and feeling lonely. Wondering how she is getting on...the last time I met her - she looked different from the first time we met.  The 'Sweet Angel' is also one of my disappointed admiration. I'd better stop thinking of her lest she found out; but it wouldn't happen as I will not be telling her of my 'feelings' and she would never know.

That's my life

Of late, I have been rather easily agitated, feeling frustrated and hot-temper.  Maybe its due to work stress - have been very busy over the past 2-3 months.  Maybe its due to family problems - not my direct problems though but I still feel stressed up and frustrated.

Sigh............

Like today and yesterday, because of something which my nieces have said and done and I don't like their kind of attitudes; I told them off.  I have said a lot of unpleasant things (they may not understand what I said because indirectly I am scolding their parents).  Veri bad of me, right ?
I can't believe myself - have told myself that I will not vent my anger on the wrong person but I still did.

Really regretted what I have done and said especially to my niece yesterday. Really. I have told myself before that I will not scream or shout at the children again but I did.  Why can't I be loving and gentle towards my family members - towards my nieces - afterall they are still young - they will not understand my feelings, my concerns for them (expressed in the negative way). 

Ya, must start to learn to be patient and loving towards them though they are naughty and playful at times.  Not only towards them but to extend it to all my other family members as well.

Well, sometimes I was thinking - maybe I should resign from my current job - then I will have less problems less stress.  But then again its not easy to find a 'good' job nowadays and the pay may not be as much as what I am having now since I have worked in this job for many years.
Just have to bear with it and it will pass.  Anyway I cannot afford to be jobless else no one is going to support me.  Maybe I should take 1-2 months leave to go on Sabbath.  

Again, I have a few health problems to be solved.  I think these are mostly due to STRESS just like what teacher B always say.

Yes, life is short - must take it one at a time - most important I should worry less and if possible not to worry as we do not know what will happen tomorrow - only God knows. Just take care of the things today will do. Must learn to relax when I supposed to relax (just like my colleagues - they are always making small talks, enjoying themselves away at work - like having no work to do).  You know I am jealous of them at times. 

Ok - tomorrow will be better ! YES ! Be happy, be loving, be gentle, be generous. ....and there's much more.