Arrrh...........................................

Throw temper short while ago - who ? - that's Me.

Why - because not happy with my 9 yr old niece talking to me in a rude manner. Scolded her.
She is really 'a pain in the neck'.  Most of the times also rude to her grandma, sister and maid.
Feel like slapping her - too bad she is not my daughter. I can only say but cannot do.

Felt like I have loved her in vain. Always wanted to buy nice food for her and her sis but they just don't appreciate that you are nice to them. EFFORT WASTED.

If they are 'more kwai' I could have buy nice things or nice food for them everyday !

Of late, have not been happy at work (or rather with the people working there).  You know my workplace is becoming a 'pasar' (market in malay).

Sometimes I find these people - they are inconsiderate towards other people.  Maybe its my attitude problem.  Not sure if I have one !  The expert said have to change your attitude inorder to change others - ya its something like that.

I 'see them not smooth'. Perhaps I think too much into it. Hope it is so.

Don't know why I just can't keep my cool - always feel angry when I see the things I don't like the people I detest.  Not sure if this has something to do with my 'sickness' ?

I feel sorry towards my Father - I have not been a good witness to others.  HOw ?

Wanted to slap myself also. To wake up from thinking too much into the unnecessary, into the unhappy past....

S I G H .

Depression ?

Of late, I have been feeling unhappy and dejected. Felt the world around me at work is changing. Looks like everyone is changing. Not sure if I am too sensitive: seems like they are avoiding me or rather treat me as 'invisible'.  SIGH yah siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Well why yours sincerely is so bored - bored till people are 'running away' from me. Its the 100 per cent opposite of the 'Red Man'.  Everyone is 'buzzing around' the 'Red Man'.  Tell you what - sometimes I felt jealous of this 'Red Man' but sometimes things cannot be forced.  If people like you it means so and if they don't like you, it also means sooooooooooooooooo.

Sometimes wild thoughts began to rummage through my mind. I felt like 'screaming at these people'; and I also felt like changing job or rather to change office.

I am not sure if people see me as 'aloof' but I am not so.  Don't tell me its the Feng Shui of my office ?

Why some people are so realistic - they only talk to you when they need your help or when they are 'lonely'.  Why like that ???

Yah, I have come across such realistic people ! Believe me ! please.

Hot temper again...

I lectured my youngest niece again.  This is not the first time.

Ya, I think I do not like her attitude.  I have 'slashed' her a few times but she just doesn't change for the better.  I do not like her bad manners especially towards her granny, me and the domestic helper.

She is nice to me now and then angry with me for scolding her when she done something 'unpleasant' in my presence.  She can be good for a while and then some minor things happened and she will change her mood and became a 'wild goose'.

Sigh.  I know sometimes I took the opportunity to vent my anger my pent-up frustrations on her. Its unfair to her, this I know but I can't help it.  Am I a jerk ? sometimes I ask myself.

Well, after the shouting and yelling, I told myself that there won't be a next time.  But then again when she misbehave, I will 'scream' at her again and then the history repeats itself.

I told myself I do not want to waste any more energy on her time again and again but then, look what has happened today.

I also want to live well, stay well and keep well.

Hoping, really hoping today will be the last time to scold her, shout at her etc.

Min tian hui geng how.

'Breakdown'

Thought of the Moment: "We will always be exposed to people who purposefully or accidentally bring us down. (Ben Kim).

The above thought is what actually happened to me or rather what I thought people have always done it to me !

Just like today: I have a 'emotional breakdown' in the face of few of my family members.

I think I felt better after this 'breakdown'.  I would not like to elaborate on this 'breakdown'.

A lot of thoughts crossed my mind during and immediately after this 'breakdown' including suicide, yes, I meant a soft thought of suicide.  I am really afraid that I would lose control of myself. Isn't it SERIOUS.  With God's help I am able to sustain it after about a 15-min 'breakdown'. I slowly calm myself down. Thank God !

One of my siblings called me shortly after I have cooled down from this breakdown.  It made me feel that there are still people who care about me and thinking of me.  Though I did not tell her about my breakdown, I am thankful inside my heart that she had called me.

Perhaps recently (these few months) a lot of things have happened in my workplace.  Maybe I am sensitive, I just felt that my colleagues are ignoring me 'purposefully' or 'accidentally'.  They practically treated me as 'invisible'.  You know I hate it.  Why this had not happened to me ?

I am hurt over this. I had a hard time getting over it.  Perhaps I am not just sensitive but very sensitive.

I do not know why I have such feelings.  By right, I should not be feeling this way.  If they are treating me 'this way', the more I should counter-attack them by ignoring them (no see no hear). 

SIGH..

The 'breakdown' I had today was a mixed one - family and work related. I knew it myself. 

Wishing myself a good recovery from this breakdown.  I should not let this happen to me again. Never.  Have to learn to be strong and firm and brave whatever it takes. 

Right, man !

May God Bless all who are reading this blog.

'Hotel'

Sometimes I felt like my house is like a 'Hotel' - a free Hotel - people just come and go as and when they like.

Ya, they did tell us - not asking for permission but just informing us !

They are all irritating people.  Don't know what I have owed them or owe them.

They are all relatives of relatives. SIGH.
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An 'old' friend and some thoughts

Hey, have met-up with my BF today near my workplace. We had lunch together, eating noodles and had coffee and bun after that.  It was a nice catch-up.

Before meeting her, some wild thoughts ran through my mind as she sounded a bit 'anxious' over the phone.  Well after meeting her, my wild thoughts had vanished and were uncalled for.

Lately, I felt so lonesome at my workplace (felt like everyone else is ignoring ME).

There is this new staff who is friendly to everyone else except ....... (that's what I thought).
In the beginning we chit chatted occasionally but lately I just had a kind of 'wierd' feeling towards her.  Felt like she is 'cold' towards me.

Well I am wrong. I remembered now..........it happened one or two weeks ago when she called me and I 'snapped' at her. I actually meant it as a joke but it turned out differently.  I guessed she felt offended though she didn't show it but I could just felt that something is not right until short while I remembered the incident. (I am in the wrong - why so careless - forgot what I said to others).

Ya, I am forgetful and also emotional !

The thing I can't tolerate is that the workplace is becoming like a 'pasar' - you can see 2-4-5 people gathered together and chit-chat, the more they talked the louder it became.  I 'hate' noisiness and  am 'scared' of NOISE.  Have got to have lots of tolerance level.

Hopefully these people will be 'automatic' and behave themselves appropriately in the office and not turning the workplace into a market.

'Surprise'

All along I thought what I did (something quite routine) is very 'normal' until someone commented on it. Its just like 'slamming the door' at my face 'gentle-ly'.

Felt a bit uneasy and felt a bit bad - more to worries (I just like to worry to the least) :(

Perhaps that someone is 'getting sick' or maybe unhappy about what I did (which I thought was alright, ok, and it turned out that it wasn't so to this person).  Sigh...

Ya, will remember it.  From now on, will not involve this someone in such a 'routine' again and also   not to 'create unnecessary work'.

No matter what happens, I must have my own principles (to be firm and not rude) and not to be led by the 'nose'.

Come on - cheer up! Forget the 'moo-moo', the 'uneasy' feelings.  Life still has to carry on.

Come to think of it, it JUST A SMALL MATTER (to me but not to the other person).

No need to take it to heart (think I'm a bit sxxxxxxx).

Judge  l e s s ,   accept   m  o  r  e ...