Feeling 'listless'

Some weeks ago, I started to feel 'listless' and stressed out.

In my mind, I am always trying to go against my mum - I don't know why lately I have been like this.

I kept thinking of what she has been doing; how she has treated me; how she treated my siblings.

I find that whenever they are around; I would be neglected by her and I would feel a sense of anger and frustration and jealousy inside me.

Ya, its been many years ago since she started to show favouritism among us, the children.

Sometimes, at the dinner table, she will scoop soup for her favourite son but not me.  I do not remember once that she has scoop soup for me. I feel hurt inside my heart. Sigh !

To be honest, I have been treating her nicely and I think she has been taking me for granted.

I am not happy you know but what to do.

Just do not know why lately I have been thinking of all her 'shortcomings' and I just feel kind of - do not know how to describe my feelings; and just wondering how come she has to be my mum.

If I have been born to another family; my life may be different from now - it could be better - who knows ? or maybe worse ?

At this point, I always envy a few of my friends whose parents had already passed away some years ago and they are living on their own.  Just imagine how free they are - can do anything they like. Unlike me, I still have to 'report' to my mum at home whenever I go out.

Sometimes, after a hard day work, I do not feel like eating dinner. I just wish I could lie down on bed and rest; but with my mum around, I just couldn't have this 'simple pleasure'. No matter how exhausted I am, I have to eat dinner.....sigh.

How I wish I could move out and live on my own - I can afford it financially but as long as my mum is around, she will stay with me because she can't stay with her married sons and they do not want her to stay with them, and the fact that I am still single.

I think if I get married now, she will also 'stick' to me......

Just hoping that I will not feel 'miserable' with her around me.

Bad days

The past few days at work had been my 'bad days'. Have been rushing through my work from morning to evening like 'robot'.  These were due to having 2 urgent projects on hand to be completed by 31 October.

During the first 2 days, I have been doing the projects single handedly as my helper was on sick leave.

She was helping me out with a few tasks when she came back to work. What a relief !
I really appreciated that she had at least been of some help to my projects.

Unfortunately, I made a so-called careless mistake and was reprimanded by one of the bosses yesterday just before I left the office.  He is a very particular person and I had somewhat messed up one of his tasks.  He was angry with me (of course) as he had long time ago told me his requirements.
I can said that the mistake occurred partly due to my tight deadline projects heavy and stressful workload for the past few days and partly due to my negligence. Somehow I had the hunch that something was going to go wrong at that time and I just ignored it and there it was.

There is no point to tell him all these and he would thought these were all excuses nothing but excuses from me.  SIGH...

I said sorry to him as I felt bad towards him, but he would be a nice guy if not for him being so particular with work.

To-night

Me having a heated 'fight' with the youngest niece.  Really cannot tolerate her 'wu fa wu tien' de attitude.

She just won't be the first one to stop...you said one word she will said ten words just to make you to carry on the bickerings.

I called her a little brat just now but guess what - she just doesn't understand the word.I do not know why I blurted this word !  Gosh !

Yah she is the one who 'bu ren shu' - always want to win everything except for her studies.

As for me, I thought I used or have said what I shouldn't have to her when 'fighting' with her.  Why I always threaten her with the words 'move out' as though she knows what to do next.  Just wondering ?

Maybe she knows or maybe she is scared ? will she ?  But something is for sure - I shouldn't have said those unpleasant words or poured out all 'my woos' on her.  Though she has a set of sharp teeths and sharp tongue; still she is just a kid.  Can she really understand all I have said ?  If she is really smart she might have.

I am really feeling so 'hot' and can feel my heartbeat is racing.

One stupid thing I did was pulling her hand and said 'come we go and die together' !!!!

Shit - how could such words come out from me from my mouth ???

No matter how naughty how mischievous how impolite she is - I shouldn't have blurted out all those mean things to her.  You know what ......I have not set a good example of my behaviour.  SIGH....

Well I better or rather I musssssssssssst keep my cool from now till they move out of this house ! Okay ?   That means I must be tolerant be patient since somehow I already have tolerated for 5 years and what is a few more months to go..................

Work work and work

Am overwhelmed with work since more than a week ago.

All the deadlines for important projects are close to each other. Don't know which one to tackle first as to me all are equally important.

It all happened just when my colleague started to go on long leave. Sigh.
The relief staff is quite inexperience and she couldn't help much. Worse still I need to guide her.

The 'best thing' is I am sick..have flu since last Saturday night till now. Wish I can take a few days MC to rest but felt that my so called circumstances just cannot allow me to afford it and I am unable to concentrate on my work !

Hope I can get all work done on time. My boss has threw the ball at me for me to 'catch it'  and score points for him ! Very stress you know especially when I am still not feeling well.

Wish I can catch up with my sleep tonight and then to catch up with work tomorrow morning.

Got to leave the blog for now. Ciao.

Freedom

Sigh.
I am sighing again - not sure if its a good sign or not ?

I just feel 'moo-moo' out of the blues...

Come to think about it - I do not have much freedom at home !

Why ? because I am not staying alone - I am living with my mom, my bro and his family members.

Even on my off days or weekends - there's always 2-3 people at home - I do not have my own privacy.  I can't do the things I like at home for example turning on the music loud to destress; eating some 'good stuff' alone.

I just can't do anything I like in the house.  That's it. At this point of time, I really envy a few of my friends who are living alone (they are single and their parents had passed on). They really have so much freedom but not sure if they feel 'lonely'.

My mom - she is very active at her age of 70+.  Just saw her climbing up a high chair to keep things in the kitchen top cabinet !  'So suc' huh.  Felt like telling her not to do that again but the words didn't pop out of my mouth. Jus worried if she falls - then how ? On second thought I better keep my mouth shut.  No matter what I said she wouldn't listen anyway. She is actually quite stubborn though other people known her to be a meek lady.

Sometimes I came back from work - very weary - don't feel like eating dinner - how I wish I could just drop myself on the bed and sleep through the night. With my mom around, I just can't do it - have to eat my dinner first no matter what.

Another thing, she likes to keep things - old stuff since many many years ago and new stuff - she just couldn't bear to use them after buying it.  Don't know keep for what.

I was thinking inside my heart - by the time she passed on - I would have many junks to clear.

Hmm I am not cursing her but I am just sick of all these junks in my house.  There are so many clutters around the house.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Too many 'debts' .....

Realised recently that I have had bought way too many insurance related products.  Not sure if its healthy to do so or not.  Have always acted on impulse whenever my agent/friend asked me to buy their products without thinking twice !.

The problem is I am 'getting on in age' and is quite stressful to have to keep maintaining and paying the premiums till the day I retire.  Sigh...........Sigh..............Sigh.

I have known some of my friends who did not even bought a single insurance at all and they are living happily - no stress you know. For most people out there, they would want some kind of security and I have way bought too many 'securities'.

One of my close friends have advised me a year or two ago not to buy any more insurance but I somehow 'forgotten' and bought 2 new ones after her advice.  See..my forgetfulness...or rather I am an easy 'prey' always falling to people's 'traps'.

I think the problem here is that I don't know how to say NO even when I am not so rich.

So in the end, I am the one who suffers...not anybody else.

Something said too fast

Shouldn't have said something which I had said too fast to the power puff girl.

It all started as the 'power puff girl' is asking about some work matters relating to SY and I told her that SY is off and will take a long time to answer text.  The power puff girl sounded a bit 'shocked' and said she could ask another person who knows about the stuff but she just doesn't feel like asking him.

Well hopefully the power puff girl would not go to SY or someone else and tell them what I told her. Actually I should not have told her that. What if she twisted the words ?  Then it may cause more misunderstanding between SY and me.

I do not know what's is SY thinking about me - as already she is acting so 'cold' towards me nowadays. It really makes me feel akward and 'nan soh' at times.

Hoping things will eventually turn out fine again between the 2 of us when time goes on.

Sigh.....