Sensitive

Me - a very sensitive person.  Why I am not like that ?

Sensitive about things about people ..sometimes I hate myself for being like that.
Ya, shouldn't hate myself.

I just can't control my thinking or rather my sensitive emotions.  Things would be different if I am not a sensitive (I mean not too sensitve) being.

We usually have gifts exchange during Christmas time and I found out I got the least and smaller gifts than the others.  Why ?  Why must I focus on this ?  Isn't that coming out from my 'sensitivity'.  Sigh...

I felt pathetic and I thought I am a 'loser'.  So what ?

No point being pathetic or feeling 'short changed'.  This is life.  If people like you they will give you the nicest present.  Same go for me.  If I treat that person nicer, would buy him/her a better present.  Think its the same for everyone, maybe not.

I always told myself : do not compare with each other : REN BI REN QI SHI REN !
Ever heard of this Chinese proverb ?

I just can't stop myself from feeling sensitive to feeling 'oust out'. ????

Am I an easy target to be treated in this way ?

I always thought I am nice to everyone though I may not be nice to the one who 'ill treat' me.
There is one good example in my workplace.

When this colleague was new, let's call this colleague as 'Y'.
'Y' will always talk to me as though I am the only colleague there.  But things started to change when there are a few new colleagues in the office.  Within a short period, they have become 'good friends'; eating breakfast and lunch together.  It makes me want to 'puke' and before I know what happens next: 'Y' had somehow 'moved away' from my 'sight' and we were like 'strangers'  We now only talk about 'work'.  You know ' WORK' and nothing else.  It made me felt that I have been too kind to 'Y' in the past and now 'Y' has many 'good friends' around, I have been forgotten somehow.
Sad to say this and of course you know how I am feeling and there is also some mixture of 'sensitivty' in it. Otherwise I would not have thinking of this matter every now and then or when I am alone.

Enough talking of all these unhappy things.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BLESSED CHRISTIMAS to all who have read this blog.

Till then, stay well.  Me too.

'Xue Xiang Xue Chi'

The title is in hanyu pinyin. It means the more you think of it the more angry you become.

Why?  my SIL always side with her maid.  Of late, not sure if she knows that when she is not at home, the maid misbehaves.

She - very good life one (this is singlish).

Always have afternoon nap and yet complains very tired.  I am really sick of hearing her complaining.

She has nap and still feeling tired then how about me - I am tired too !

Since her trip back home, she has been using her mobile every now and then - daily - where got so much things to talk.  She has got a boy friend and she is married. Do not know why I must be disturbed by her such behaviour.  Its none of my business anyway so long she does not do harm to my family members and me.

Another thing, the way she cuts fruits and distribute if among the family members - see already also 'sian'.

She will give her mistress one big plate and my mum a small plate.  Furthermore my mum always will keep a few slices for her to eat.

When I saw this happening, I don't have 'mood' to eat the fruits. You know ?

Arrrh...........................................

Throw temper short while ago - who ? - that's Me.

Why - because not happy with my 9 yr old niece talking to me in a rude manner. Scolded her.
She is really 'a pain in the neck'.  Most of the times also rude to her grandma, sister and maid.
Feel like slapping her - too bad she is not my daughter. I can only say but cannot do.

Felt like I have loved her in vain. Always wanted to buy nice food for her and her sis but they just don't appreciate that you are nice to them. EFFORT WASTED.

If they are 'more kwai' I could have buy nice things or nice food for them everyday !

Of late, have not been happy at work (or rather with the people working there).  You know my workplace is becoming a 'pasar' (market in malay).

Sometimes I find these people - they are inconsiderate towards other people.  Maybe its my attitude problem.  Not sure if I have one !  The expert said have to change your attitude inorder to change others - ya its something like that.

I 'see them not smooth'. Perhaps I think too much into it. Hope it is so.

Don't know why I just can't keep my cool - always feel angry when I see the things I don't like the people I detest.  Not sure if this has something to do with my 'sickness' ?

I feel sorry towards my Father - I have not been a good witness to others.  HOw ?

Wanted to slap myself also. To wake up from thinking too much into the unnecessary, into the unhappy past....

S I G H .

Depression ?

Of late, I have been feeling unhappy and dejected. Felt the world around me at work is changing. Looks like everyone is changing. Not sure if I am too sensitive: seems like they are avoiding me or rather treat me as 'invisible'.  SIGH yah siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Well why yours sincerely is so bored - bored till people are 'running away' from me. Its the 100 per cent opposite of the 'Red Man'.  Everyone is 'buzzing around' the 'Red Man'.  Tell you what - sometimes I felt jealous of this 'Red Man' but sometimes things cannot be forced.  If people like you it means so and if they don't like you, it also means sooooooooooooooooo.

Sometimes wild thoughts began to rummage through my mind. I felt like 'screaming at these people'; and I also felt like changing job or rather to change office.

I am not sure if people see me as 'aloof' but I am not so.  Don't tell me its the Feng Shui of my office ?

Why some people are so realistic - they only talk to you when they need your help or when they are 'lonely'.  Why like that ???

Yah, I have come across such realistic people ! Believe me ! please.

Hot temper again...

I lectured my youngest niece again.  This is not the first time.

Ya, I think I do not like her attitude.  I have 'slashed' her a few times but she just doesn't change for the better.  I do not like her bad manners especially towards her granny, me and the domestic helper.

She is nice to me now and then angry with me for scolding her when she done something 'unpleasant' in my presence.  She can be good for a while and then some minor things happened and she will change her mood and became a 'wild goose'.

Sigh.  I know sometimes I took the opportunity to vent my anger my pent-up frustrations on her. Its unfair to her, this I know but I can't help it.  Am I a jerk ? sometimes I ask myself.

Well, after the shouting and yelling, I told myself that there won't be a next time.  But then again when she misbehave, I will 'scream' at her again and then the history repeats itself.

I told myself I do not want to waste any more energy on her time again and again but then, look what has happened today.

I also want to live well, stay well and keep well.

Hoping, really hoping today will be the last time to scold her, shout at her etc.

Min tian hui geng how.

'Breakdown'

Thought of the Moment: "We will always be exposed to people who purposefully or accidentally bring us down. (Ben Kim).

The above thought is what actually happened to me or rather what I thought people have always done it to me !

Just like today: I have a 'emotional breakdown' in the face of few of my family members.

I think I felt better after this 'breakdown'.  I would not like to elaborate on this 'breakdown'.

A lot of thoughts crossed my mind during and immediately after this 'breakdown' including suicide, yes, I meant a soft thought of suicide.  I am really afraid that I would lose control of myself. Isn't it SERIOUS.  With God's help I am able to sustain it after about a 15-min 'breakdown'. I slowly calm myself down. Thank God !

One of my siblings called me shortly after I have cooled down from this breakdown.  It made me feel that there are still people who care about me and thinking of me.  Though I did not tell her about my breakdown, I am thankful inside my heart that she had called me.

Perhaps recently (these few months) a lot of things have happened in my workplace.  Maybe I am sensitive, I just felt that my colleagues are ignoring me 'purposefully' or 'accidentally'.  They practically treated me as 'invisible'.  You know I hate it.  Why this had not happened to me ?

I am hurt over this. I had a hard time getting over it.  Perhaps I am not just sensitive but very sensitive.

I do not know why I have such feelings.  By right, I should not be feeling this way.  If they are treating me 'this way', the more I should counter-attack them by ignoring them (no see no hear). 

SIGH..

The 'breakdown' I had today was a mixed one - family and work related. I knew it myself. 

Wishing myself a good recovery from this breakdown.  I should not let this happen to me again. Never.  Have to learn to be strong and firm and brave whatever it takes. 

Right, man !

May God Bless all who are reading this blog.

'Hotel'

Sometimes I felt like my house is like a 'Hotel' - a free Hotel - people just come and go as and when they like.

Ya, they did tell us - not asking for permission but just informing us !

They are all irritating people.  Don't know what I have owed them or owe them.

They are all relatives of relatives. SIGH.
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