Being "made use' of

I am feeling moody today.

Actually it did not started today.  It was a few days back.

My so called friend was not in a good mood.  She told me about what happened at work and I sort of 'sympathize' with her.

She was very unhappy as well as 'depressed'.

The next day, I asked her how things are. She was still 'mulling' over that same matter but I felt that she just overstate the matter.

At end of that day, I whatsapp her to say 'good night'.  She didn't reply me. I knew she read my message.  Maybe she was upset with me also. 

I told myself that I will not say 'good night' to her again though when she was in good mood she will always say 'good night' to me.

Yesterday my another group of friends were asking whether want to go for a short trip in the next 1-2 months.

One of them replied that they sort of have a plan to go to country 'M' for 2 nights and whatsapp to ask who is interested.

Very soon, already 4 of them were interested and 2 of us have not replied. I was half hearted, not sure want to join them or not.

This morning the 5th person replied to say unable to join as have something on.

I then replied to say I am not joining. No one tries to persuade me to go.  Sigh.

They already have 4 paxs - 2 sharing a room - just nice - 2 rooms - 4 paxs.

If I join in, it will be an odd number.

I felt sort of disappointed in this group of friends.  Previously when they go tour, and short of one pax, they will ask me to 'chip in'. Now they have 4 of them to make 2 pairs  and thats it.
Can't even bother to ask me why not joining them.....siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

I realised that maybe I am just their 'spare tyre' or rather 'spare kaki'....so sad...:(

Was I being 'made use' of ??  Sounds pathetic right?

Maybe I am just 'too sensitive'.

Anyway I have been thinking of 'withdrawing' from their 'tour group'.

Previously when I joined them for free and easy tour or packaged tour, our so-called 'team leader' will pair me with the most 'lo so' person to share room.  When we went out, the 'team leader' is always in 'a rush' - walking so far ahead of us and will hardly take cab and will always walk to our destinations or take bus/mrt.

I can say that out of the many of us, the 'team leader' is the richest of all !

I just feel that when we go tour, we should just enjoy ourselves - don't bother about money. If we have money to travel, we should also have money to buy nice food there and eat and take cabs as at least 3-4 of us will be sharing the cab fares.

Aiyah, its just as well....at least this time round I can have some 'peaceful' time to me alone.

Happenings in the office

This week has been an eventful week.

Have received some bad feedback from the staff yesterday.  Thought I have been doing my best and worked hard enough and who knows I got to get all these 'nonsense'.

Was quite upset when I heard about the feedback. 

Come to think about it, my documentations has some 'loop-holes'.  Will have to improve on that.

It seems that bad things do come all at one go.

Have encountered another work problem.  Have ordered some stuff for the office last week.  This is to replenish the stock. The staff there said will deliver the stock sometime middle of this week.

Just realised today is the last working day of the week and there is no sight of any delivery.

Called up the company and found out that my order was somehow not registered.  Asked this staff who took my call to help expedite the delivery and somehow the delivery was arranged for this late afternoon. 

This 'out of stock' issue had caused some 'hoo-ha's' and I was almost at a loss on how to handle it.

My colleague had offered to help to talk to the supplier earlier on but I somehow rejected as its my responsibility to solve this issue.

She said I should be firm and trying to tell me how I should handle this kind of situation.  I know that I am just too soft hearted sometimes or maybe most of the times.  I am not as firm as her but I shall improve on this. Of course she is so much vocal than me.

Thank God with the help of the staff of the supplier, things got settled down.

At end of work day, the staff are wishing each other Happy New Year.  My colleague had wished me some nice greetings.  Not only to me, she wished almost all staff she knows.

I do not why when one of the staff was wishing her and they both were exchanging wishes and tapping on each other shoulders - I stood opposite them and keep looking at them.  I should not have done that but somehow I only realised it  until the happenings ended.

The staff whom I also know her did not wish me when walking out of the office but I took the initiatives and wished her instead.

What's wrong with me huh ? I felt like I am a 'goon goon' watching them exchanged wishes.

My this colleague is very friendly to her superiors and almost all the staff in the office. 

Some people thought we are good friends but I myself am not sure about this.  As I have mentioned she is friendly towards anyone in the office.

Sigh I do not think I can be as friendly as her.  I have a 'fierce' look though.

An insensible rude being

I am getting very frustrated at work today and yesterday.

There is this 'crazy lala'  staff  who really made me jumped at my nerves.

She makes fun of me frequently for the past 2 days.  Its okay - I thought she is just playing.

She can really provokes people especially when I was feeling moody yesterday.  Almost yelled at her.

My 'good friend' told me to just ignore her. No need to talk back at her or get provoked by her.

Its not easy for me.  She's really a hard nut to crack and so insensible.

Put aside the seniority at workplace, age wise she is also more junior than me.

Today, I accidentally called her the wrong name (I think I said sorry) (really can't remember as age catching up) and a short while later she threw temper. 

She threw a file on the table.

A colleague asked her why she threw temper and she said because I called her the wrong name.

I reacted (I should not have) and said who is perfect and not made mistake.

'Qi-cha' - not sure what she will come out with tomorrow ?

If she still behaves like this to me, I am going to ask her why ?  Can I ?

Not sure if this is the best plan ?

Not sure why she always does this to me ? I don't think I have done her any wrong ?

I also do not have a good temper - gets agitated easily.

She really made my evening a very bad evening - I can't even talked patiently to my mum !

Almost vents my anger on my poor mum !  All because of this crazy lalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Really don't know what's wrong with her ???????????????

Really spoilt my mood and my day today.

Dear Heavenly Father
Please forgive me. 
I should not have thrown temper on my poor mum this evening just because I am in a bad mood caused by my this 'crazy' colleague.
I shouldn't be provoked by her but I was.  I really felt so mad that I can eat her up.
Why must she did this to me ? I almost yelled at her this afternoon.
Please forgive me. Help me to forgive her and love her.
Help her to change to be nicer to me and I to be more patient with her.
Thank you for listening to my prayer.
In Jesus' name I prayed...Amen

Feeling of misgivings

I felt disappointed with my so called 'friend'.

She passed a 'special gift' to her so-called 'enemy' in the office with me around first thing in the morning yesterday.

I was caught by 'surprise'.  I felt like saying something to her "how come I don't have" but I  'swallowed' the words down my throat and kept quiet.

Lately this 'friend' has been treating this colleague nicely such that I am beginning to feel jealous of her or rather unhappy with this 'f'.

Well people in the office have been thinking we are close friends but she is treating others more nicely than me.

Yeah, she treated me nicely too but its not as nice as to the way she is treating 'e'.

What I hate (may the word 'hate' is too strong - I don't like to say it too) is that this 'f' told me previously that 'e' is so full of herself and she does not like her and now she is treating 'e' so nice.

This action of hers made me very pissed off.  Why she said one thing and then did another thing ?
Why?

This is the part that I don't like about her ('f'). I felt that she 出尔反尔！

I have been upset about this happening. Why I feel this way - am I really jealous of 'e' or angry with 'f' ?

For some moments, I felt like 'f' has cheated me.  All her negative opinions of 'e' which she told me was just a 'say say' only and I have taken it so 'seriously'.

I was upset over this incidence.  When I recalled about this incident today - I cried.  Why?

This is not the first time she is treating 'e' so nicely.

I think I am treating 'f' as a friend but how about her ???

Maybe I am expecting 'f' would treat me better since I am her 'friend' but who knows what she is thinking!

Now I am beginning to question myself : right in the beginning is she treating me as a friend or just a colleague though people thought we are 'good friends' ?

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh...

Before she came, I was living 'peacefully'.  Now somehow she has 'disrupted' my quiet life.

Well... come on please 不要想太多 ok ?

Life still has to go on...

Flare up

I am feeling moody today.

Told my lunch partner about it.

There are some happenings in the workplace after lunch time.

These happenings triggered my nerves and I flared up. 

I started to talk loudly and rudely...I knew that..all because of the new staff who does not how to 'kan yan she'.

She is always like this ... just talk whatever she wants without thinking about the consequences - even to me who is her superior.  Really she is 没大没小.

Most of the times I can 'tahan' her but not today when I am already in a foul mood.

I am very sensitive when I am moody.  So these happenings happened.

Yes, I flared up at her....the surrounding colleagues must have felt a 'shock' maybe.

This is the first time I threw hot temper in the office.

Come to think about it - its so embarassing for me!

I don't know how this girl feel ?  maybe also got a shock maybe 'tida apa' ?......

Misunderstanding ?

Felt quite upset this evening.

'My friend' just told me off about something which happened 3-4 weeks ago which I have totally forgotten about it.

She reminded me of this incident and chided me.

She was upset because I have made some 'not nice' remarks on her at that time.

I am upset now.

I told her she could have told me off there and then and not waited until now and told me off.

So she will keep things to herself and then 'explode' unexpectedly.

Thought she is a 'happy go lucky' person but actually she is not. 

Thought she is easy going also.

Looks like its no no.

We have known each other for more than 6 months now.

I think I don't understand her well enough.

She looks like so concerned about me and then she will tell me off when I am let off my guard.

If she is easy going she would not have kept quiiet in the beginning and then told me off 4 weeks later.

I don't like it. 

Honestly I completely forgotten about the earlier incident and she just brought it up 4 weeks later when I made the same remarks about her.

That is what she is upset about...

I am upset too.

Actually I was saying this remarks 'jokingly' and she took it so seriously as though want to 'eat' me up.

If if she had told me off the first time, this incident would not have happened today !

Sigh..the more I explained the more messy it became...

Yeah, the Guru said 'just let it go'.

Anyway have said sorry to her and she said will forgive me !  Like real.

Really don't know how long we can carry on our friendship if she behaves like this 'out of the blues' or when I accidentally 'step on her tail'  when I am not so 'seng mok'  ?

Ya, I don't have to put up with all these 'nonsense'.

Right just be natural..no acting...btw I don't like to act unlike someone who is a drama queen here.

Now I know...she can't take jokes .......it just doesn't 'look' like her anyway.

I can't take 'jokes' sometimes but I will just 'put up a brave front' occasionally.

Jus wondering if she is  a 'sensitive' person.

I am but I think I have become 'less sensitive' nowadays.

She may not know I am 'sensitive' or maybe she knew since she is a smart girl.

Or is she a 'laughing tiger'?  as she likes to laugh out loud. 

Maybe I should not thought of her as one.  Very bad huh ...'you' (that's me lah).

Okay...better stop adding fuel to fire....

Stop it now...forgive and forget and hopes she really forget about it.

Some thoughts

I found out that I am not so well like at my work place.

A sad thing to say though...

Maybe because I am not sociable, don't know how to 'curry favour' other people, 不会做人 ah.

I don't have friends in the work place - believe it or not !

The person whom I thought has treated me well actually also treated other people well too.

Sometimes I felt 'got cheated', sometimes jealous.

This person told me one thing and then did another thing.  Sometimes I just don't know whether to trust this person or not though sometimes I felt so uncertain.

Things do happen in the work place every now and then.

Is there something wrong with me - how come everyone else seems to get along well with everyone and all these people just shove me off naturally !

What have I done to them that I was being treated in this way.

Am I not 'good' enough ?

I didn't do anything wrong.  In fact, when these people skive off  during office hours, do personal things in office, I just close one eye.  I didn't report them to the 'authority'.

The best thing here is that they never get caught !

Sometimes I felt digusted with their kind of attitudes and behaviours at work but what can I do to them.

Even the person I worked closely with did not repsect me as much - that's how I feel about it.
Maybe I am wrong.  Its just that I am too sensitive about it. By nature I am sensitive.

I tried not to be sensitive but I can't help it.  I felt quite disturbed and hurt when this 'sensitive nature' worked up.  Sigh..