Emotional

 Recently my mum was admitted to hospital due to lung infection.

On 2nd day of admission she wanted to be discharged.  Subsequently when we visited her the next few days, she kept asking when she can be discharged.

She mentioned that go home is better.

However after few days in hospital, my mum was unable to pass urine the whole day and the doctor decided to insert IDC tube to let out her urine.

Doctor said she can be discharged with the IDC tube and will arrange for her to see the Urologist1-2 weeks later to remove the tube and the care giver has to clear her urine bag daily.

When my younger bro, his wife and I visited her last evening, she threw tantrums and wanted to go home that very night. She then threatened us that if she cannot go home, she will jump down aka commit suicide. Btw she has mild dementia and the “drama” might be caused by her dementia.

Worst thing is that she kept telling gym sis in law off, saying she doesn’t need  my SIL to take care of her anymore, she doesn’t depend on her daughter in law for food and then said my SIL stared at her!

My SIL must be feeling upset over all these remarks and she is a sensitive person.

The last my mum said that my SIL adjusted her legs so hard few days before her admission,  she was upset for a long time. When we visited my mum together, she doesn’t talk to her much and sat at the side which sometimes made my mum pissed off and she remarked her DIL is like a “block of wood”. 

My SIL did heard it and I not sure how she feels!

My the other brother keeps asking us to discharge our mother saying she is okay.  Sigh….

Not sure after my mum is discharged and at home, will my SIL still take care of her with patience.

Will things be the same as before?

I am very perplexed….

 

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Upset with myself

This evening I went to nearby shopping mall to pack our dinner.  While walking inside the shopping mall, I was interrupted by a sales person who wanted to give me a free sample of skincare product.

I said “no” at first and continue to walk but the sales person kept walking side by side with me and pesters me to take the free sample and said something like “it’s free no need to buy anything”.

The moment I took the sample from her, she immediately sprayed something on my left hand and then massage it.  It’s a skin whitening product and she said the product is made of fruits and locally produced.

After that, she showed me into the shop and get her colleague to wash my hand.  After washing, the colleague immediately introduced me to the product and showed me some photos of other customers who used the product and their skin shown improvement.  She continue to talk about the product for a few minutes and in the end I asked her how much is it.

She said it costs $149. I asked for smaller packing but there is only one size. Soon she said if I buy the product she will give me “buy 1 free 1” and said I get to have a free skin analysis and facial.

I told the staff I need to rush off and unable to do the skin analysis and facial now.  She said I can go back anytime to do it.

Without further questions, I paid $150 for the product and left my name and contact number and left the shop to buy dinner. Yes she charged me extra $1!

On the way to buy dinner, I was feeling kind of weird and upset that I have spent unnecessary money on a product which I may not use it.  I should have said “no” all the way even if the sales person pestered me to pass me the free sample.

Yes there  many such shops around in Singapore. They pretend to give you a free sample and after that will start to “sell” their product.  You will feel bad if you don’t buy it and that’s ME!  After buying I will regret a lot and felt like I have been conned.

I hate it…..

 

 

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Catch up with my younger sibling

 Was thinking of my younger sibling lately and thought of calling her to ask how she is.

About two months ago she was complaining of knee pain. Want to find out if she is feeling better.

Just then she called me and will be coming to my area in a short while n asked if I want to meet her at the nearby shopping mall.  I said ok.

Told her our other sibling is with me and we will meet her together.

 We were watching TV and forgot about the time.  She texted me to say she has reached but couldn’t find me. Replied her that we are coming.

She called me while we are on our way to meet her and she was telling me off why I am so late and said next time when we meet she would make me wait! What?? I was stung!

When we reached, she asked me to go order drinks. I was like asking her what she wanted to drink a few times and in the end the other sibling offered to get us the drinks.

After having our coffee, we did some shopping at the mall for about 30 mins and my younger sibling wanted to leave for home.  The other sibling went with me to my house.

One the way she told me that the younger sibling was complaining to her while they waited in the queue to buy drinks.  She told her that I am stingy and never paid for my drinks when I went out with her (younger sibling).  I was stung the 2nd time!

That was like more than a year ago when we went out together.  After she bought the drinks I think I  wanted to pay but she said no need and now more than a year later she complained that I am stingy!  Goodness me!

I felt hurt and upset upon hearing this.  I never expect her to talk about me like that.

Twice I got “free drinks” from her which was like less than $10.  What is $10 between siblings and she has to be so calculative!! 

If I had known this would happen I should have insisted to pay her on the spot however sometimes I am too straightforward for taking others’ “no” as no when they don’t mean it.

Why my sibling is like that? Upset over a small matter!

I really envied my friends’ who has nice and caring siblings.

I felt like crying.  

Come to think of it, I had nice siblings too.  It’s just that when both of them were around I didn’t treasure them until they passed on due to illness.

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Seriously “ridiculously”

Lately I just found out that all along I have been exploited by my close relatives staying with me.

I did not realised it until I had a good talk with a confidant lately.

Unexpectedly, in the past, I was being exploited by my colleagues, my so call good friend and my siblings. However after realising it, I decided to let it slide though I felt hurt, upset and angry with their actions.

I did not confront them.  Maybe I am timid, maybe I am too kind?

Somehow I know that people tend to  “bully” me just because I am too kind or I am quiet, or do I look like a sucker to them!

Even the person I thought was nice to me and I trusted the most, did such things to me, me :(  Of course I felt hurt and terrible.

Why.

I tried to think if I have done something to them but not that I know of or maybe accidentally I stepped on their toes.

As for few of my close relatives, I know they have been taking advantage of my kindness and soft heartedness in terms of financial wise.

Now the ones staying with me are doing the same thing to me! I have been providing them with nearly free lodging and other daily necessities and they are like expecting for more “freebies”!

I have been saving hard all these donkey years while working and by being thrifty and didn’t spent much on myself and I now felt that indirectly I am spending my hard earned money on these people!

Sigh….

I have the money but for some reasons I am unable to buy the things I like freely.

How I wish I can stay on my own alone without my close relatives bunking at my small house and the best thing is that I don’t know how to ask them to leave and they somehow take things for granted.  The best thing is that sometimes I felt that it is more like their house than mine!

Anyway, I am not so happy as I do not have privacy and the worst thing I can think of is that they may stay with me “forever”.

Come to think of it, if only I did not “belong” to this family; my situation and my life might be different!!!

 Unbelievable!

Today is 28 Dec 2020.

On 25 Dec 2020, I did not received any WhatsApp from my ‘BFF’ the whole day.

Thought maybe she was busy as it was Christmas Day.

The next day, also no text from her.

I felt “dejected”.  Three days in a row, no “news” from her.

Straight away I knew she decided to stop forwarding the daily devotional to me.

I felt sort of “out of place” and keep thinking why she did that to me.

I was dumb founded.

I couldn’t recall doing or saying anything that offended her recently!

I have always treated her as nice as I can but but she just treated me like a “feather”.

Just felt that if she is in good mood, she will smile to her, talks to me.

If she is moody or feels irritated, she would just ignore me, like in this case, me like a “feather” to her was blown away from her.

She never considers my feelings. She just totally ignored my feelings. She did not realised that she has “wounded” me with her doings!

Normally, she will forward me the daily devotional Everyday except on 1 or 2 occasions, she forgot to send.

The last time she WhatsApp me the daily devotional was on Christmas Eve, 24 Dec 2020 and I wished her blessed Christmas and happy new year.

From that day till this morning, no more devotional to me.

She just “cut-off” me from her WhatsApp since Christmas Day.

I could have ask her why but I did not as I think she may have her reasons for doing so.

No point asking and I don’t think it helps.

Of course, I felt upset but there is nothing which I can do.

I told myself that no matter what, I still have to maintain the relationship with her; not friendship which she has given up but working relationships as we still need to liaise with each other for work concerns.

This morning in office, I still said hello to her.  Yes I have to even if I dun feel like it. (have to be thick skin).

Anyway I still have to face her in the office and I can’t ignore her totally.

I really felt very innocent and I am!

For some unknown reasons, I have became her “victim”.

Why not me?

It may take some time for me to get over this incident.  I am not like her, suka suka just “kick” me away and then forgets about everything.

The reason being that right in the beginning of this friendship, I have put in too much 感情 into it all at once.

SIGH...

She didn’t realise that all along when things happened between us, I have been very patient with her and tolerated her nonsense.

I am not sure if she “feels” anything at all be it upset, or what not or it’s just her mood swings’ fault?

Maybe, maybe I am at fault also but didn’t realise it??

Unforgettable

 Felt that my  “BFF” has changed her attitude towards me over these many months, almost a year from our last ‘eventful’ trip together.

She didn’t apologise which I think she would not as she AI MIEN ZI. I know that.

I just pretend nothing happened though my mind is in an “emotional whirlpool”.

I kept thinking or rather that unhappy incident kept flashing in my mind for many months.

I was the innocent party in this incident but she won’t let me explain.

Two weeks ago, she bought me a quick lunch 2 days before my birthday and we didn’t talked much during the lunch. (*)

I did not feel “secured” during the lunch.  

Immediately after we finished the lunch, she rushed back to office while I did some window shopping on my own.

She needed to go back office quickly to set up for some meeting.

(*) Since few years ago, we used to lunch together on a regular weekly basis until on my last year’s birthday lunch, she pointed out to me that she’s always the one talking and most times I just kept quiet.

I think she wanted to say she was talking to “the wall” maybe.

It’s not that I do not want to talk but I am just an introvert not knowing how to express myself.

After that lunch, we stopped going lunch together.

She should have been more understanding towards me.  We have had lunch together for a few years already.

I am upset that she misunderstood me but I kept quiet.

Lately I felt that she is ‘cold’ towards me, just like this afternoon we bumped into each other in the pantry and we just say hello.

Unlike previously she will make small talk.

I can feel that I am emotional towards her though she may have “given up” on me.

It’s because right in the beginning I have put in too much affections into our friendship thinking we would be “forever” friends like what J always thought we were.

I know she can very  绝 one but I am the one still hoping things would get better but chances are very Low.

Sigh...

I must learn to let go.  I have been dragging on for too Long.

To be honest, in the early part of our friendship, she treated me very nice and I was touched.

Ya, I was nice to her too.

I always treated her as a priority, only to find out later on that I am just one of her options.  Sad :(

Somehow along the way over the past few years, things happened. She was unhappy and told me off over some minor matters which I just let her be. I just don’t want to make things worse if I argue.

Only she can talk when she is pissed off...no one else can...maybe her BFF can.

Pissed off

Nowadays I noticed the OL in the house has been getting lazy or forgetful.

She hardly shower and change her clothes (maybe once  a week), only when asked and reminded after a few times.

Sometimes she will reply that she had done do the day before but I was at home and she did not do it.

Not sure if she is forgetful or just plain lazy.

Is it she can't smell herself - to me its so smelly, worse than the salted fish smell :(

Like this morning, I reminded her to shower.  She said later.

Until now, 4 hours later, she is couching on sofa bed watching TV.

She does it everyday.

Really cannot tahan her nowadays.

Feel like asking her to go and stay with her elder son or send her to old age home ! but I can't afford the fees and I do not think my siblings will chip in especially the elder one (her favourite son).

If only long ago, I can pre-emp such things, I wouldn't have bought this flat and stay with her.

Another thing, this OL has lots of junks in the house - she has lots of stuff all locked up in the 4-5 drawers.  Mostly are useless stuff I think.

Really feel very pissed off today.........