Thoughts on Father's Day

I think I have not celebrated Father's Day before !  Sigh.

When my father was alive, I didn't treated him well. Why?

When we were young, my parents always quarreled over money...about my father bringing not enough money home to support the family.

He was doing odd job and he would spent what he earned after giving the family some money. My mother was also working to chip in for the monthly expenses.

I was frightened whenever my father shouted at my mum; banged the door and walked out of the house and then would returned home late and drunk some times.

I didn't liked him or rather didn't liked him to quarrel with my mum.

When we started to work; we (the 3 children) hardly gave him pocket money.

He would always asked my mum for money to buy some 'kichi kurat' things.

As years passed by till the day he was sick - he had stroke - only my mum and myself were with him most of the times.  That was the most tried times of our lives.  My mum was taking care of him with the help of a domestic helper. He always threw temper and was depressed. My 2 other brothers hardly came to see him though. He passed away 2 years after the stroke.

After he passed on, a lot of thoughts came to my mind.  Why didn't I treat him nicer when he was alive. Why I didn't thought of giving him pocket money though he didn't asked.  Why I never give him ang pow on his birthdays and on father's day and never even thought of it.  (My mum were given these 2 types of ang pows).

Its only after he passed away that I realised I could have treated him better. After all he was our 'elder'. Why am I so mean. Why I am so irresponsible so cold hearted.  Really regretted...always reprimand myself...its too late.. the person is already not around.  Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

The only thing I could do now is treat my mum and my siblings better to make up for what I didn't do for my father. I would not want to have any regrets again in future.

'So sad'

Of late, have felt that that someone is trying to avoid me. No matter what I said to her or asked her - she would gave me a negative response.

Not sure why she treated me like this.  What wrong have I done ?  Frankly speaking, I do not have...

Maybe she has mood changes - she is pregnant !

Ya,  I felt so bad - so bad about myself - you know ?  Always thinking that did I offend her 'unconsciously' by talking or by my attitude.  I know sometimes I am a bit 'moo-moo'; hanging a serious look but I am not unhappy or whatever.  I am just like that.

I am borne with a serious look or rather I always have this serious look.  I know some people (my relatives or my colleagues) treated me differently - they are always serious when talking to me but when they talked to others - they are laughing away.  (So Sadddddddddddd).

Why people are so double standard - when they faced a cheerful person they behaved cheerful and when they faced a serious person (like me) they behaved serious.  I thought they should behave cheerful all the way....???

Sigh, this is the real life.

Have a big family gathering yesterday....lots of cookings, noises, laughter, fun, with some mixed feelings (for me).

As usual, my mum bought lots of food stuff (can last for a week's cooking)...

Some relatives have bought some cakes, puffs etc....all eaten up fast.

Me..just cannot accept the fact that the domestic helper is eating up all the good stuff..she said had mouth ulcer..got no appetite and yet can 'walled-up' all the good stuff as soon as she could.

This is the one helper who will help herself to eat first before others - 'never give chance'.

Am I petty ?  maybe no...she should have served the guests first rather than eating up all the 'good stuff' first !

I have saw before...when eating out at coffee shops or restaurants during some occasions...some families will eat first leaving the domestic helper(DH) to feed their kids and then the DH will eat what is left on the table...maybe not much left.

Yah, I have saw that scene with my own eyes a number of times.

To think that our house DH is a lucky one ...she can eat whatever she likes and whenever she wants...no restrictions for her by her employer...

Sigh,,,,what to do....that's what's happening around me.

Frustrations

I am overwhelmed with work this morning due to some deadlines to meet and also have had to clear other people's 'shits' in an urgent manner.

Why all these 'shits' ended up on my head ?  Very frustrating till I am cursing and swearing inside my heart and even throw things !

Why the so called 'partner' didn't come up with any suggestions for me until a while later.  If these things happen to the 'R.M', my 'partner' would be the 1st one to give solutions. There were some past examples.  Sometimes I felt jealous of this person.

Am I so irritating ? I really felt like I am left to 'zhi sheng zhi meh' in this working environment.

I have never felt so frustrated and 'helpless' and finally in the end this 'partner' has helped in a way to solve the 'critical' part of the problem. 

Sometimes or rather most of the times, it doesn't pay to be too niceeeeeeeeee.

Well, I don't know.  I am just a v. emotional person trying to calm my temper trying to tolerate this and that trying to be ignorant sometimes.

Come to think of it, I should have left this working place 12 years ago when I was offered another position in another work place.  Me at that time was so naive so 'loyal' as to stay put at this working environment where almost everyone else is 'skiving away from work' and behaves as though this is their great grandfathers' companies !

What a shame.  Why am I here in this low morale environment.

Today is the 'lashing out' of my pent-up frustrations at work.  I have had tears flowing out at that point of time.

And it was just last night that I told myself I have to be 'xing fu' but sometimes I just can't control my emotions.

(sidetrack a bit....I really missed my sweet angel..every time I passed by her workplace I felt like walking in but then I stopped on time. Even if I get to see her, what can I say to her ? I have stopped thinking of her until a few weeks ago when I felt 'so lost' I thought of her again).  I know I shouldn't do that, please.

Thoughts on Reunion Dinner

Just a few days away and it will be Reunion dinner day for most Chinese families (the eve of Chinese New Year).

Ours is no different.  Usually, hmm should say its always on the eve of CNY as my bro always insists on it though my mum has requested previously to do it 1-2 days earlier.  He just cannot agree to it.

To me, he is not a very traditional person. I always felt that he did it on purpose.  Ya, its bad of me to think it this way.

We have a sis in law who always need to go back to her hometown in our neighbouring country to visit her mum and relatives. She has asked to eat the Reunion dinner before she leaves but her requests had not been granted by this bro in law (my bro). Sigh.

To think that he is so 'old fashion' minded than my mum....OR IS JUST HIS STUBBORNNESS?

So we have have the so called Reunion dinner without her and her kids. Come on, bro, is this your so called Reunion Dinner without the other part of the family members?  I am pissed off.

Why can't he just give in for once and make everyone happy and make the Reunion dinner a real Reunion dinner !

Sometimes I felt bad about it. Felt sorry for my S I L. There are some traditions which our family does not follow but just this Reunion dinner which my bro is so particular about it. Why ? Why is it so difficult to gather all family members together to have this dinner  be it on the eve of CNY or on any other day ?

I don't think there is any difference as long as we live out the meaning of it, right ?

I know of some friends whose families have their Reunion dinner one week earlier.

You know nowadays this type of Reunion dinner is just another normal dinner for me ! Its meaningless at least to me. That is how I felt about it.
Sorry to say that, Mum.

Like for this year, its the same thing - everyone in the house has to 'listen to him' and the best thing is that he is not the one who contributed the most.

Sensitive

Me - a very sensitive person.  Why I am not like that ?

Sensitive about things about people ..sometimes I hate myself for being like that.
Ya, shouldn't hate myself.

I just can't control my thinking or rather my sensitive emotions.  Things would be different if I am not a sensitive (I mean not too sensitve) being.

We usually have gifts exchange during Christmas time and I found out I got the least and smaller gifts than the others.  Why ?  Why must I focus on this ?  Isn't that coming out from my 'sensitivity'.  Sigh...

I felt pathetic and I thought I am a 'loser'.  So what ?

No point being pathetic or feeling 'short changed'.  This is life.  If people like you they will give you the nicest present.  Same go for me.  If I treat that person nicer, would buy him/her a better present.  Think its the same for everyone, maybe not.

I always told myself : do not compare with each other : REN BI REN QI SHI REN !
Ever heard of this Chinese proverb ?

I just can't stop myself from feeling sensitive to feeling 'oust out'. ????

Am I an easy target to be treated in this way ?

I always thought I am nice to everyone though I may not be nice to the one who 'ill treat' me.
There is one good example in my workplace.

When this colleague was new, let's call this colleague as 'Y'.
'Y' will always talk to me as though I am the only colleague there.  But things started to change when there are a few new colleagues in the office.  Within a short period, they have become 'good friends'; eating breakfast and lunch together.  It makes me want to 'puke' and before I know what happens next: 'Y' had somehow 'moved away' from my 'sight' and we were like 'strangers'  We now only talk about 'work'.  You know ' WORK' and nothing else.  It made me felt that I have been too kind to 'Y' in the past and now 'Y' has many 'good friends' around, I have been forgotten somehow.
Sad to say this and of course you know how I am feeling and there is also some mixture of 'sensitivty' in it. Otherwise I would not have thinking of this matter every now and then or when I am alone.

Enough talking of all these unhappy things.

MERRY CHRISTMAS BLESSED CHRISTIMAS to all who have read this blog.

Till then, stay well.  Me too.

'Xue Xiang Xue Chi'

The title is in hanyu pinyin. It means the more you think of it the more angry you become.

Why?  my SIL always side with her maid.  Of late, not sure if she knows that when she is not at home, the maid misbehaves.

She - very good life one (this is singlish).

Always have afternoon nap and yet complains very tired.  I am really sick of hearing her complaining.

She has nap and still feeling tired then how about me - I am tired too !

Since her trip back home, she has been using her mobile every now and then - daily - where got so much things to talk.  She has got a boy friend and she is married. Do not know why I must be disturbed by her such behaviour.  Its none of my business anyway so long she does not do harm to my family members and me.

Another thing, the way she cuts fruits and distribute if among the family members - see already also 'sian'.

She will give her mistress one big plate and my mum a small plate.  Furthermore my mum always will keep a few slices for her to eat.

When I saw this happening, I don't have 'mood' to eat the fruits. You know ?