Bad habits

I am having insomnia again.  Could'nt get to sleep and started to go back to my bad habits again.

Regretted having done that which I had controlled it for about 3 weeks.

Now have to start all over again to kick off this bad habit of mine..I know if I over do it, it may harass my health.

I will start this bad habit when I am stressed out and when I am moo moo.

Age is catching up. I better stop doing this once and forever.

Sigh.

Maybe I should not sigh but rather say "yes I can stop it".

Right?

Too Concerned

This OL is so concerned about her son not having meals to eat. Lately on weekends she will cook extra for him. Sigh.

Her this precious son is so 'un-human'. I hate to say it but I jus cannot don't do it.

Why I said that?  There was once when he was eating alone at the coffee shop nearby my block. I happened to buy dinner there for the OL. He was paying for his dinner and did not offer to pay for me or rather for his mum. Its just S$3 you know and he's so stinge.

I was a bit upset over this incident. I did'nt tell the OL then.

Now he is taking dinner at my house every weekend. I hate it.

Not sure how long this is going to take....

Precious...

Next time the OL do anything for her 'precious' sons; just leave it.  No need to be sensitive or jealous or feel eye sore.

Ok?  If I feel hurt she also won't know. If she knows she will pretend not to. Right or not.

I just feel that I have to do everything for her...and she will do anything for the 'PS'  but not me.

Why she doesn't want to stay with them then?

The PS will not let her stay in his house..I bet you.

??????????

Disturbed emotions

My SIL has put up some photos on her 'spare wall'. I glanced through all the photos - it were taken with her friends, some with her daughters and mum, her so-called beloved auntie, one with XXX.

I had some disturbed emotions upon seeing these photos - there is none shown taken with our family.
Perhaps she has none taken with us !

Can all these photos say something about her attitude towards the in-laws ?

I felt that my family esp. me have give and take towards her and her MIL too but does she remembers 'our goodness' or we as part of her family ?  Ya, its a question mark to me.

My family members are of less importance to her than her friends, her beloved auntie and XXX.

You know I felt 'kind of left out' not physically in the photos but in the mind of the beholder.

Come to think of it - we have never been close towards each other - sad to say its just 'superficial'  - that's how I look at it.  Maybe someone I knew can tell me its not true ?

I only can say that too much things have happened between us as a family - difference in our thinking etc.

Feeling 'listless'

Some weeks ago, I started to feel 'listless' and stressed out.

In my mind, I am always trying to go against my mum - I don't know why lately I have been like this.

I kept thinking of what she has been doing; how she has treated me; how she treated my siblings.

I find that whenever they are around; I would be neglected by her and I would feel a sense of anger and frustration and jealousy inside me.

Ya, its been many years ago since she started to show favouritism among us, the children.

Sometimes, at the dinner table, she will scoop soup for her favourite son but not me.  I do not remember once that she has scoop soup for me. I feel hurt inside my heart. Sigh !

To be honest, I have been treating her nicely and I think she has been taking me for granted.

I am not happy you know but what to do.

Just do not know why lately I have been thinking of all her 'shortcomings' and I just feel kind of - do not know how to describe my feelings; and just wondering how come she has to be my mum.

If I have been born to another family; my life may be different from now - it could be better - who knows ? or maybe worse ?

At this point, I always envy a few of my friends whose parents had already passed away some years ago and they are living on their own.  Just imagine how free they are - can do anything they like. Unlike me, I still have to 'report' to my mum at home whenever I go out.

Sometimes, after a hard day work, I do not feel like eating dinner. I just wish I could lie down on bed and rest; but with my mum around, I just couldn't have this 'simple pleasure'. No matter how exhausted I am, I have to eat dinner.....sigh.

How I wish I could move out and live on my own - I can afford it financially but as long as my mum is around, she will stay with me because she can't stay with her married sons and they do not want her to stay with them, and the fact that I am still single.

I think if I get married now, she will also 'stick' to me......

Just hoping that I will not feel 'miserable' with her around me.

Bad days

The past few days at work had been my 'bad days'. Have been rushing through my work from morning to evening like 'robot'.  These were due to having 2 urgent projects on hand to be completed by 31 October.

During the first 2 days, I have been doing the projects single handedly as my helper was on sick leave.

She was helping me out with a few tasks when she came back to work. What a relief !
I really appreciated that she had at least been of some help to my projects.

Unfortunately, I made a so-called careless mistake and was reprimanded by one of the bosses yesterday just before I left the office.  He is a very particular person and I had somewhat messed up one of his tasks.  He was angry with me (of course) as he had long time ago told me his requirements.
I can said that the mistake occurred partly due to my tight deadline projects heavy and stressful workload for the past few days and partly due to my negligence. Somehow I had the hunch that something was going to go wrong at that time and I just ignored it and there it was.

There is no point to tell him all these and he would thought these were all excuses nothing but excuses from me.  SIGH...

I said sorry to him as I felt bad towards him, but he would be a nice guy if not for him being so particular with work.

To-night

Me having a heated 'fight' with the youngest niece.  Really cannot tolerate her 'wu fa wu tien' de attitude.

She just won't be the first one to stop...you said one word she will said ten words just to make you to carry on the bickerings.

I called her a little brat just now but guess what - she just doesn't understand the word.I do not know why I blurted this word !  Gosh !

Yah she is the one who 'bu ren shu' - always want to win everything except for her studies.

As for me, I thought I used or have said what I shouldn't have to her when 'fighting' with her.  Why I always threaten her with the words 'move out' as though she knows what to do next.  Just wondering ?

Maybe she knows or maybe she is scared ? will she ?  But something is for sure - I shouldn't have said those unpleasant words or poured out all 'my woos' on her.  Though she has a set of sharp teeths and sharp tongue; still she is just a kid.  Can she really understand all I have said ?  If she is really smart she might have.

I am really feeling so 'hot' and can feel my heartbeat is racing.

One stupid thing I did was pulling her hand and said 'come we go and die together' !!!!

Shit - how could such words come out from me from my mouth ???

No matter how naughty how mischievous how impolite she is - I shouldn't have blurted out all those mean things to her.  You know what ......I have not set a good example of my behaviour.  SIGH....

Well I better or rather I musssssssssssst keep my cool from now till they move out of this house ! Okay ?   That means I must be tolerant be patient since somehow I already have tolerated for 5 years and what is a few more months to go..................