Hot temper again...

I lectured my youngest niece again.  This is not the first time.

Ya, I think I do not like her attitude.  I have 'slashed' her a few times but she just doesn't change for the better.  I do not like her bad manners especially towards her granny, me and the domestic helper.

She is nice to me now and then angry with me for scolding her when she done something 'unpleasant' in my presence.  She can be good for a while and then some minor things happened and she will change her mood and became a 'wild goose'.

Sigh.  I know sometimes I took the opportunity to vent my anger my pent-up frustrations on her. Its unfair to her, this I know but I can't help it.  Am I a jerk ? sometimes I ask myself.

Well, after the shouting and yelling, I told myself that there won't be a next time.  But then again when she misbehave, I will 'scream' at her again and then the history repeats itself.

I told myself I do not want to waste any more energy on her time again and again but then, look what has happened today.

I also want to live well, stay well and keep well.

Hoping, really hoping today will be the last time to scold her, shout at her etc.

Min tian hui geng how.

'Breakdown'

Thought of the Moment: "We will always be exposed to people who purposefully or accidentally bring us down. (Ben Kim).

The above thought is what actually happened to me or rather what I thought people have always done it to me !

Just like today: I have a 'emotional breakdown' in the face of few of my family members.

I think I felt better after this 'breakdown'.  I would not like to elaborate on this 'breakdown'.

A lot of thoughts crossed my mind during and immediately after this 'breakdown' including suicide, yes, I meant a soft thought of suicide.  I am really afraid that I would lose control of myself. Isn't it SERIOUS.  With God's help I am able to sustain it after about a 15-min 'breakdown'. I slowly calm myself down. Thank God !

One of my siblings called me shortly after I have cooled down from this breakdown.  It made me feel that there are still people who care about me and thinking of me.  Though I did not tell her about my breakdown, I am thankful inside my heart that she had called me.

Perhaps recently (these few months) a lot of things have happened in my workplace.  Maybe I am sensitive, I just felt that my colleagues are ignoring me 'purposefully' or 'accidentally'.  They practically treated me as 'invisible'.  You know I hate it.  Why this had not happened to me ?

I am hurt over this. I had a hard time getting over it.  Perhaps I am not just sensitive but very sensitive.

I do not know why I have such feelings.  By right, I should not be feeling this way.  If they are treating me 'this way', the more I should counter-attack them by ignoring them (no see no hear). 

SIGH..

The 'breakdown' I had today was a mixed one - family and work related. I knew it myself. 

Wishing myself a good recovery from this breakdown.  I should not let this happen to me again. Never.  Have to learn to be strong and firm and brave whatever it takes. 

Right, man !

May God Bless all who are reading this blog.

'Hotel'

Sometimes I felt like my house is like a 'Hotel' - a free Hotel - people just come and go as and when they like.

Ya, they did tell us - not asking for permission but just informing us !

They are all irritating people.  Don't know what I have owed them or owe them.

They are all relatives of relatives. SIGH.
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